Feeling

I’m feeling exhausted both physically and mentally. I’m also feeling grateful. (I’m not sure about talking about this. I have before, but not as a book blogger. I’m a little nervous I won’t be accepted the same way I was after sharing this.)

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about a year and a half ago. This means my emotions are more extreme than the general population. I can go from feeling really happy to suddenly feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt all within a matter of minutes. People with BPD are often misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. However, the ups and downs with Bipolar Disorder last longer, usually weeks at a time, whereas the ups and downs with BPD only last for hours, maybe days.

Trigger warning. Only continue reading if you’re in a good space. It’s been a really difficult week. I wanted to hurt myself earlier in the week because of a misperception on my part that made me spiral into a bad place. Luckily, I was able to use my skills that I’ve been learning in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and stop myself before I did anything. It’s the first time I’ve come to really hurting myself since last March when I overdosed on Lithium and ended up in the hospital for a week.

Mental illnesses are hard. They’re invisible. Others don’t know you’re suffering most of the time and with my type of BPD, Quiet BPD where I act in rather than out, it’s even harder for others to recognize when I’m having a rough go. What I’ve learned in DBT is that it’s not up to others to make me feel better. It’s up to me. It’s been a long, hard process. Sometimes, I want to give up. I remember where I was almost a year ago and that I never want to go through that again. DBT has given me the skills to help me succeed. Without learning how to regulate my emotions when I’m in crisis, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself and I may not have survived this week. I thank God for my therapist and DBT!

Blogging

This week on the blog:

• Review: Broken
• Top Ten Tuesday #5
• February Book Club Discussion

Reading

I finished reading ROCK PAPER SCISSORS by Alice Feeney yesterday and I’ll be posting my review tomorrow. I’m starting THE SOUND OF STARS by Alechia Dow today. It’s one of my picks for Black History Month. I don’t think I’ll get to my second pick, which is a companion novel to THE SOUND OF STARS called THE KINDRED.

I’ve managed to read four of the books that all came available at the same time from the library. I still have two more to read, both Alechia Dow books, and as I said above, I’ll probably only finish the one by Thursday. Five out of six books is awesome! Especially for me, one of the slowest readers in existence! Okay, not really, but I am slow.

Listening

Last week, I said I’d share my favorite song by The Piano Guys since I shared their version of “Für Elise.” Here’s my favorite song. I like to listen to it when I’m feeling down, which is perfect for this week. What do you think?

Watching

I watched the new season of Disenchantment with Corey on Netflix. It’s from the makers of Futurama and The Simpsons. As you know from last week, I’m a huge fan of Futurama. Disenchantment has been Corey’s and my way and dealing with no Futurama. Plus, it’s a really good show!

Loving

I love this picture of my cat Izzy that Corey sent me while I was at group (for DBT) on Thursday. It makes me smile and laugh. She’s such a crazy kitty. I love her so much.

Wanting

I want more! Bear with me, lol. My friends and I had a chance to go to our local library to attend a book launch for LEMON DROP FALLS by Heather Clark. She was in conversation with author Jennifer A. Nielsen. It was the first author event we’ve been to in over two years because of the pandemic. Now, that we’ve gone to one event, I want to keep going. I miss them and I miss getting out.

Needing

I need to spend more time with my friends. I’m an extrovert and I need people. I think my recent decline in mood has been due to isolating more because of omicron. Even though this week was hard and I almost hurt myself, I also felt happier than I have in a really long time. I felt the happiest when I was out with my friends.

How was your week? Anything exciting happen?

Feeling

I’m feeling mad at myself. I took my first test in my math class this semester and I made stupid mistakes. Stupid mistakes. I only got a 75% when I should’ve gotten a 100%. Thankfully, our lowest test score is dropped. Hopefully, I don’t botch up any more tests.

I’m also feeling discouraged because I can’t seem to figure out the auto grader in my computer programming class. I got a 30 out of 80 on my first project even though my code does exactly what the specs ask for. I’m not sure what to do since my teacher hasn’t returned any of my messages.

Blogging

I really enjoy being a part of the community. Visiting everyone’s blog and having visitors come to mine is one of the best things, especially in this pandemic reality. It helps my extrovert self feel like I’m hanging out with friends.

Reading

Because I’ve been catching up on homework this week, I haven’t read a lot. I did finally start reading TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE by Jenny Han on Wednesday evening and finished it last night.

I have so many books out from the library right now! I hope I can get to them all. I have TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE, BROKEN by Jenny Lawson, ROCK PAPER SCISSORS by Alice Feeney, and THE SOUND OF STARS and KINDRED by Alechia Dow checked out. They all came available at once.

Listening

This week, my song choice is a little different than past weeks. My therapist and I both like System of a Down. Most people are shocked when they find out I like them. They think I’m Miss Goody-Two-Shoes and wouldn’t like that type of music, which isn’t accurate at all, especially as I age. I know their music isn’t for everyone. If you don’t like it, that’s okay. To each their own.

My therapist went to a System of a Down concert in L.A. on Friday. It made me think about my favorite song, “Chop Suey!” The reason I like this song is it’s in the minor key. I music in the minor key. I mean really love it. It speaks to my soul unlike anything else in this world, except maybe a cat’s purr. I also really love Serj Tankian’s harmony. It’s amazing.

Watching

Corey and I started watching The Afterparty on AppleTV+. It’s awesome. My favorite episode so far is three. I loved all the songs sung by Ben Schwartz. If you have an AppleTV, I highly recommend this show. It’s really funny and has an all-star cast.

Loving

I love our new vet. Our old vet closed up shop without telling anyone. We have an 18-year-old cat on prescription food. We found out that our old vet was closed for good when we needed to buy Dax’s food. Fortunately, we found a new vet thanks to our neighbor and got Dax sorted out.

Corey took our 5-year-old tuxedo cat in a couple of days ago because she has been sick with a sinus infection. They gave her a shot of antibiotics so we didn’t have to try to force a pill down her throat. She’s acting so much more like herself again–playful, cuddly, and purry.

I’m really happy both of our cats are taken care of and doing well.

Wanting

I want a new winter coat. It’s freezing in my neck of the woods right now and I hate my coat. It’s one of those puffer coats that make you look like the Michelin Man if the coat is white.

Even though it keeps me warm, I hate how it feels because it’s really cheap and made from cheap material. I have to wear a long-sleeved shirt with it so the coat doesn’t touch my skin directly. It’s also not very comfortable to wear besides how the material feels. When I’m wearing it, I feel like the younger brother on The Christmas Story after his mom puts him in his winter gear.

Needing

I need my hair to grow faster. I got my monthly trim back into shape as I have short hair. The problem is that the person who cut my hair messed it up really bad. I keep telling myself it doesn’t look as bad as I feel like it does and it’ll grow back. I also like wearing hats so I have that option until it grows back.

How was your week? Anything exciting happen?