Sunday News #34
Feeling
I’m feeling worn out. My PTSD therapy has been brutal. I’m reliving my trauma by listening to myself describe what happened in as much detail as possible over and over everyday. This is called exposure therapy.
The reason people have PTSD is because they subconsciously suppress their fear and panic by avoiding things that exacerbate their fear (i.e., reminders of their trauma (e.g., sounds, smells, people, places, situations)). If they gradually expose themselves to the memory of the trauma and anything that causes them to panic or feel fear, they’ll slowly get used to the memory and the things that exacerbate their fear will no longer cause an intense reaction. This doesn’t mean they won’t ever feel fear when they think of their trauma or do something that used to cause an intense reaction, but they will be able to tolerate it without a meltdown.
There are two steps to the exposure therapy process. The first one is called imaginal exposure, which is what I’m doing when I listen to myself describe what happened. The second one is called in vivo exposure, which is slowly exposing themselves to things that exacerbate their fear. For me, this includes 1) talking to my family, 2) saying or writing “Swann” over and over, and 3) having sex with Corey.
I’ll explain why I’m doing those particular things:
- My perpetrator IS my brother-in-law. My family tried to sweep what happened to me under the rug because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences of what he did. As such, I avoid contact with most of my family. Their invalidation is worse than the trauma itself. As part of my therapy, I do not have to contact my BIL unless I want to. I don’t.
- My BIL’s last name is Swann. Before I started therapy, I didn’t like hearing or seeing the word “Swann” or “swan.” I didn’t even want to see or think about the bird.
- Because of my trauma, I avoid participating in sexual intimacy with Corey. The main reason I’m doing this therapy is to help improve our relationship. It isn’t bad or anything; it’s just that the lack of sexual intimacy for 25 years of marriage has taken its toll.
Now that you know way more about me than you probably ever wanted to, let’s move on.
Blogging
This week on the blog:
Reading
I read, finished, and reviewed a book this week! I read THE GOOD SISTER by Sally Hepworth this week. You can click the link above to read my review if you want.
I also started listening to HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. I thought it was time to finish my reread of the series that I started in 2020. I also started reading SOME OF IT WAS REAL by Nan Fischer. I’m not far enough in to determine my feelings yet. I hope I can get it done by Wednesday so I can start MISS ALDRIDGE REGRETS by Louise Hare.
I learned in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) that life is full of dialectics, or two opposing truths. In this case, the two opposing truths are: 1) I don’t agree with JKR’s stance regarding trans people, and 2) I still love Harry Potter.
Listening
I’ve been listening to some K-pop this week. Thanks to my friend Suey (It’s All About Books), I’ve listened to a lot of new bands this year. I’m going to share an “oldie,” however. It was one of the very first K-pop songs I listened to and it became and still is my favorite. It’s called “Fantastic” by Henry.
Watching
Corey and I rewatched the Daniel Craig Bond movies this week. I still think NO TIME TO DIE is the best Bond movie ever and Daniel Craig is the best Bond so far.
We also discovered the reboot of PASSWORD on Hulu. It’s hosted by Keke Palmer and stars Jimmy Fallon. I’m really enjoying it. I would’ve been mad, though, if I was a contestant on the episode with Meghan Trainor as the celebrity guest. She kind of sucked at the game.
Friday night we started watching THE HUNGER GAMES series. Every time I watch these movies, I love them more. All four movies are all-time my favorite book-to-movie adaptations.
Loving
I love this blogging community so much. I love how nice everyone is and how much everyone wants to read and comment on each other’s posts. I love the camaraderie and the interaction. I consider many of you friends now.
I started book blogging back in 2010. I found a group of book bloggers who live very close to me. We’re still friends IRL. I’m the only one who seems to be blogging anymore. Other than this group of friends, it always seemed hard back then to get others to comment on your blog unless you were one of the BIG ones. I do miss a lot of bloggers from yesteryear (), and I’m glad the community has morphed into what it is now.
Wanting
I want a fresh peach shake from one of the local restaurants. Their fresh peach and fresh strawberry shakes are the best!
Needing
I need to get some sleep. My eyes aren’t working today (Saturday) because I didn’t sleep a wink Friday night. It’s due to coming off of Seroquel, which is an anti-depressant that makes you drowsy and sleep really well. My body has grown dependent on it for sleep, making it hard to come off. I also started taking Phentermine, which is a stimulant.
Hopefully, I’ll sleep tonight. Depending on how much sleep I get, I may be responding to comments and blog hopping on Monday instead of today.
Phentermine is the safe half of what was Fen-Phen. Fen-Phen was made from a combination of two drugs and the “Fen” part caused a lot of health issues. I’m taking Phentermine as an appetite suppressant. I have no trouble eating healthy. I just eat a lot because I’m always hungry. My weight has been a struggle for the last 15 years especially. I’ll lose weight and then gain it back plus some. My hope is that with a healthy diet and exercise, Phentermine will help me not be hungry all the time so I eat less and lose weight.
How was your week? Anything exciting happen?
Thank you for sharing so many intimate details of your life. I can’t imagine everything you’ve gone through. Sleep is so important isn’t it? It helps heal and restore and I definitely feel the consequences if I haven’t slept well the night before. I hope you sleep well every night now from here on . I hope you have a wonderful week ahead. Take care.
Thanks, Jodie! 😀 I really appreciate it! Fortunately, I slept pretty well last night. Hopefully, I won’t have any trouble tonight either.
Whew. You are going through some rough stuff. I hope you will be kind to yourself as you make your way through all of this.
Thanks, Deb! 😀 I’m trying to be kind to myself. It’s hard sometimes and I know I can get through this.
Many {{{posivibes}}} to you while you go through therapy. It does sound exhausting. I also hope the med adjustment side effects will dissipate soon. My son and daughter took a bit to achieve a balance with theirs.
I really need to catch up on the Bond movies. I’m a few behind.
You’ve been blogging a year longer than me. And you’re right. Many of those who started with us are no longer blogging. It’s sad. 🙁 But I’ve met so many new friends who have started within the last few years. The community just keeps growing. 🙂
Thanks so much! 😀 I really appreciate it! I’ve also met so many new friends in the last couple of years. I love them dearly and I’m so happy our community keeps growing. 💜
The exposure therapy sounds very difficult but I hope worth it in the end.
The Hunger Games movies are always fun to watch.
And now I’m craving a peach shake. 🙂
Thanks, Tanya! 😀 I think it will be worth it in the end. I can already tell it’s helping with the word “swan.” I hope you find yourself a good peach shake!
Good luck with your therapy. It sounds like a lot of work and I can see why you are feeling the way you are. Thank you for sharing such a major thing with us, as well as explaining how it works. I took the phentermine as part of the phen-fen back in the day when it was legal. It worked perfectly for me. I’ve tried just the phentermine which is all you can obviously get now, but by itself it didn’t seem to do anything for me. 🙁 I am glad it seems to work for you. I’m jealous you have blogging friends that live nearby! I wish I did! A fresh peach shake sounds delicious! I hope you have a good week! I need to do a reread of Harry Potter too. With all the movie marathons I do when they’re on tv, I need to go back and read the books I probably haven’t read since the last book actually was first published.
Thanks, Lisa! 😀 I’m glad Phen-Fen didn’t cause you any problems. I’m sorry you had to stop using it. I actually don’t know if Phentermine is working yet or not. The stimulant part of it is in the sense of not sleeping if I take it too late. But, the hunger pangs are still there. Maybe that’s more emotional, though.
You really should reread the series. I do every couple of years (or for a couple of years like this one, lol). I love revisiting the stories. And, Deathly Hallows is amazing the second time through because you see all the little things you didn’t know where important the first time through. Anyway, that’s my plug, lol. 😀
Exposure therapy is tough but I’ve seen studies with success using this technique. Hope you have a good week!
Thanks, Tessa! 😀 It is tough and it definitely works for people. I’m too early in the process to see any major improvements yet. However, it’s already helping with the “swan” thing.
Families are complicated on the best of days. I am so sorry for what you have been through. My mom is also the type that would not believe something like that would happen and just go on about her business. I hope the medication change does well for you and that you catch up on your rest. Have a great week.
Thanks, Cindy! 😀 They really are. Fortunately, my mom and dad believed me. They just didn’t really do anything about it. They held a family meeting without me to discuss what happened and how to move forward. They decided not to press charges. And, even though, my BIL and I were supposed to get counseling, he never did and I didn’t until many years after the fact. They also wanted me to “forgive” him right away and act like everything was hunky-dory. They didn’t let me work through what happened. 😕
That’s really interesting about the cause of PTSD. I had read something that with childhood cancer the caretaker is more likely to suffer from PTSD then the patient. Kids with cancer have lots of struggles and it’s not uncommon for them to develop severe anxiety but they don’t see PTSD nearly as often with them. With what you say that makes a lot of sense because as a parent you have to keep it together and kind of push down your emotions because you don’t want to add to your child’s struggles. Good luck with your therapy. That sounds exhausting but so rewarding. I hope you have a wonderful week.
Thanks, Katherine! 😀 That makes a lot of sense. It’s like my husband with me. He has PTSD from all the times I tried to hurt myself because he’s had to suppress his emotions and put on a brave face. Fortunately, I’m doing much better now and he’s also getting therapy (different than mine) for his PTSD.
It was so brave of you to share your story. As someone above commented, your family’s stance about the whole situation is almost worse than the thing itself. You can’t normalise something like that. I hope therapy will help, though it does sound brutal.
Good luck with getting the right amount of sleep!
The book blogging clique is great – there’s a real sense of community, and people accept you for what you are without judging. I’ve been blogging for almost 10 years now.
Thank you so much, Roberta! 😀 My family’s stance has been very difficult. Fortunately, I do have one sister and a few nieces that are very supportive. Corey’s also very supportive and patient.
I did get some sleep finally! 😀 And, that’s awesome that you’ve been blogging for 10 years!
Wow, that is some intense therapy. Thanks for sharing your story! I was in therapy a few years ago, but I don’t have any serious problems, so it wasn’t a distressing experience. It felt more like I was paying someone to be my friend. 🙂
Thanks, AJ! 😀 I so relate to the “paying someone to be my friend” part. Even though I’m working through some hard stuff right now, I adore my therapist. I totally think of him as a paid friend. LOL.
So many hugs to you and this tough journey Jennie. We’re going through something similar with my husband’s family right now. In this case we are all very supportive but no one knew.. And not on your same level, at all, I am doing exposure therapy for my (many) fears and panic attacks. It’s a long road.
The blogging community is great. I think we’ve talked about this before but they are so much more understanding and supportive than many of my real life friends and family.
Karen @For What It’s Worth
Thank you, Karen! 😀 Exposure therapy is hard no matter what it’s for. I need to do exposure therapy for my arachnophobia and sometimes that seems harder than what I’m doing now.
I agree about the blogging community. 😀 Everyone is so supportive. I think we’re more supportive than real life friends and family because we stay objective about the situations. It’s for hard for those closest to us to do that.