I’m feeling worn out. My PTSD therapy has been brutal. I’m reliving my trauma by listening to myself describe what happened in as much detail as possible over and over everyday. This is called exposure therapy.
The reason people have PTSD is because they subconsciously suppress their fear and panic by avoiding things that exacerbate their fear (i.e., reminders of their trauma (e.g., sounds, smells, people, places, situations)). If they gradually expose themselves to the memory of the trauma and anything that causes them to panic or feel fear, they’ll slowly get used to the memory and the things that exacerbate their fear will no longer cause an intense reaction. This doesn’t mean they won’t ever feel fear when they think of their trauma or do something that used to cause an intense reaction, but they will be able to tolerate it without a meltdown.
There are two steps to the exposure therapy process. The first one is called imaginal exposure, which is what I’m doing when I listen to myself describe what happened. The second one is called in vivo exposure, which is slowly exposing themselves to things that exacerbate their fear. For me, this includes 1) talking to my family, 2) saying or writing “Swann” over and over, and 3) having sex with Corey.
I’ll explain why I’m doing those particular things:
- My perpetrator IS my brother-in-law. My family tried to sweep what happened to me under the rug because they didn’t want to deal with the consequences of what he did. As such, I avoid contact with most of my family. Their invalidation is worse than the trauma itself. As part of my therapy, I do not have to contact my BIL unless I want to. I don’t.
- My BIL’s last name is Swann. Before I started therapy, I didn’t like hearing or seeing the word “Swann” or “swan.” I didn’t even want to see or think about the bird.
- Because of my trauma, I avoid participating in sexual intimacy with Corey. The main reason I’m doing this therapy is to help improve our relationship. It isn’t bad or anything; it’s just that the lack of sexual intimacy for 25 years of marriage has taken its toll.
Now that you know way more about me than you probably ever wanted to, let’s move on.
This week on the blog:
I read, finished, and reviewed a book this week! I read THE GOOD SISTER by Sally Hepworth this week. You can click the link above to read my review if you want.
I also started listening to HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. I thought it was time to finish my reread of the series that I started in 2020. I also started reading SOME OF IT WAS REAL by Nan Fischer. I’m not far enough in to determine my feelings yet. I hope I can get it done by Wednesday so I can start MISS ALDRIDGE REGRETS by Louise Hare.
I’ve been listening to some K-pop this week. Thanks to my friend Suey (It’s All About Books), I’ve listened to a lot of new bands this year. I’m going to share an “oldie,” however. It was one of the very first K-pop songs I listened to and it became and still is my favorite. It’s called “Fantastic” by Henry.
Corey and I rewatched the Daniel Craig Bond movies this week. I still think NO TIME TO DIE is the best Bond movie ever and Daniel Craig is the best Bond so far.
We also discovered the reboot of PASSWORD on Hulu. It’s hosted by Keke Palmer and stars Jimmy Fallon. I’m really enjoying it. I would’ve been mad, though, if I was a contestant on the episode with Meghan Trainor as the celebrity guest. She kind of sucked at the game.
Friday night we started watching THE HUNGER GAMES series. Every time I watch these movies, I love them more. All four movies are all-time my favorite book-to-movie adaptations.
I love this blogging community so much. I love how nice everyone is and how much everyone wants to read and comment on each other’s posts. I love the camaraderie and the interaction. I consider many of you friends now.
I started book blogging back in 2010. I found a group of book bloggers who live very close to me. We’re still friends IRL. I’m the only one who seems to be blogging anymore. Other than this group of friends, it always seemed hard back then to get others to comment on your blog unless you were one of the BIG ones. I do miss a lot of bloggers from yesteryear (), and I’m glad the community has morphed into what it is now.
I want a fresh peach shake from one of the local restaurants. Their fresh peach and fresh strawberry shakes are the best!
I need to get some sleep. My eyes aren’t working today (Saturday) because I didn’t sleep a wink Friday night. It’s due to coming off of Seroquel, which is an anti-depressant that makes you drowsy and sleep really well. My body has grown dependent on it for sleep, making it hard to come off. I also started taking Phentermine, which is a stimulant.
Hopefully, I’ll sleep tonight. Depending on how much sleep I get, I may be responding to comments and blog hopping on Monday instead of today.
How was your week? Anything exciting happen?