Feeling

I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed as I try to get in the swing of things with school. This week has been such a whirlwind of things happening, I’m still trying to make heads or tails of it all.

I accidentally slept through my alarm on Tuesday and missed my classes altogether. This put me on edge emotionally and I t started me down the path of wondering about what I actually want in life. I also spent some time thinking through what I want out of school.

It’s been more and more of a struggle to keep going to school due, in part, to my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), PTSD, anxiety, and depression and, in part, to wondering if I’m going to school for ME or for other people. When I first quit my job in May 2018 to go to school, I decided after only one semester that I was going to school for my parents and stopped going.

I started going to school again last year because Doug, my therapist, said people with BPD do better with the skills they learn in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) if they’re working or going to school because it gives us a reason to get up and participate in life. I fully agree with him in this matter because when I don’t have something to live for, per se, I become severely depressed and in trouble of hurting myself. So, I decided I preferred going to school over working in a job I hated.

On Tuesday, however, when I asked myself if I’m going to school for me or others, I realized I really don’t want to be a math teacher. I adore math and I’m happy with my current knowledge of it. I don’t think learning more advanced math is going to help me achieve a life worth living. I decided what I want to do is actually hindered by school because I don’t have the time to devote to accomplishing those goals and, consequently, almost dropped back out. However, I realized I want to become fluent in Spanish and Japanese and school can help me accomplish those goals.

Let me explain why I want to become fluent in both Spanish and Japanese. I was in a Spanish immersion program for four years while I was in elementary school. I used to be pretty advanced in my Spanish speaking abilities, but I’ve lost a lot of it due to not using it. I also studied Japanese for two years while I got my Associate’s Degree.

I switched my major to Spanish. I would’ve declared Japanese as my minor, but my school doesn’t have one. They do have a proficiency certificate, though, which I’ll pursue along with my degree in Spanish.

Blogging

This week on the blog:

• Bout of Books 35 Wrap-Up

Reading

As I predicted last week, I didn’t get much reading done this week because of starting school on Monday. I did, however, spend some time reading before I went to bed last night. I started THE GOOD SISTER by Sally Hepworth. I’m really excited about this book!

Listening

I’ve been listening to my Faves playlist on the way to school each day. The song that stuck out to me the most this week is one of my very favorites. It’s the Glee version of “Somebody that I Used to Know” by Gotye.

I love this version as much as I do because one of the singers is Matt Bomer, one of my celebrity crushes. In this version of the song, Matt Bomer is Darren Criss’ (first singer) older brother.

Watching

I haven’t watched a lot of TV or movies this week. However, Corey and I had the chance to see ROGUE ONE on the IMAX on Friday night. It was awesome, except for the audio. It was, “just too darn loud.” (A little BACK TO THE FUTURE humor for you. ) When we got home from the movie, we immediately watched A NEW HOPE.

Loving

I love all three of my teachers. They’re all native speakers of their respective languages. My Japanese teacher’s from Nagoya, Japan. One of my Spanish teachers is from Spain and speaks with a very thick Spanish accent, which I adore. My other Spanish teacher is from Guatemala.

I love learning languages from native speakers because I get to hear authentic pronunciation and intonation. Also, they’ve all had to learn a second language so they understand what it’s like to be nervous speaking in front of others.

Wanting

I want to show you my cool new backpack. I love Vera Bradley and couldn’t resist this backpack when I saw it. (I took these pictures on Monday so my “I’m a Math Major” pin is still on the backpack.)

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I also want to comment on other blogs today. I haven’t done any of that this week because I’ve been so busy. Thank you to those of you who still commented on mine even though I haven’t returned the favor!

Needing

I need to get a new license plate for my car. If I get one with my school’s mascot on it, I can park slightly closer to the school. Because those kinds of license plates can only have five digits, I want to customize it so it says OLLIE, which is the name of my car. If OLLIE’s already taken, I’ll substitute a zero for the O and a 1 for the I so it says 0LL1E.

How was your week? Anything exciting happen?

Feeling

I’m feeling excited and a bit overwhelmed because school starts tomorrow. I feel excited because it’s a new school year with lots of possibilities, and I feel overwhelmed because I don’t quite feel ready for the first day.

Blogging

This week on the blog:

• Bout of Books 35 Progress
• Top Ten Tuesday #31
• Let’s Talk Bookish #1

Reading

Despite signing up and participating in Bout of Books this week, I haven’t read much. I started LINES OF COURAGE by Jennifer A Nielsen, but I only got to page 160. I did do a lot of researching WWI, though, because of Nielsen’s book.

I don’t know if I’ll get much reading done this week either because of school. I’m going to try, though.

Listening

I’ve been listening to my Faves playlist while running errands and being in the car. The song that stuck out to me the most this week is “Handclap” by Fitz and the Tantrums. I like to clap my hands against the steering wheel while I sing along to this song.

Watching

Corey and I watched various movies this week. Most of them were unmemorable. We got a new TV and it’s big enough for Corey to read subtitles (finally), so we watched EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE. It was amazing!

We also watched the first episode of SHE-HULK: ATTORNEY AT LAW. First off, it was really funny. Second, I love that View Spoiler »Bruce helped Jen « Hide Spoiler using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). My therapist and I had a good laugh about it. I told him, “I’m a hulk. Okay.” His response to me was, “I thought I might say that it is empirically supported for BPD [Borderline Personality Disorder] and gamma radiation poisoning. ” I laughed a lot.

Loving

I went to PetSmart this week to get Izzy some litter. I decided to stop by the cats for adoption. There was a 3-month old female named Binks and I immediately fell in love with her. I tried to convince Corey that we should adopt her, but he’s not ready yet. I don’t blame him one bit. I miss Dax so much, and I know Izzy needs a friend. We can wait, though.

Wanting

I want to dye my hair purple again. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to. Hopefully, soon.

Needing

I started PTSD therapy last Monday. It’s called PE, which stands for Prolonged Exposure. It works in conjunction with what I learned in DBT. I had a hard time doing my homework this week. I’m anxious about feeling the emotions even though I know it’ll help me in the long run. I know it’s going to get harder before it gets easier. Thankfully, I have the best therapist and I have the skills I learned in DBT to help me. I just need to remember that it’s about progress not perfection.

How was your week? Anything exciting happen?