I’m feeling crushed and a little bit numb. My friendship of 10 years with my BFF ended this week. She basically told me she can’t handle my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) because the unpredictability of my moods is too much for her. She termed my mood swings as tantrums.
I understand being around someone with a mental illness like mine is hard. I also understand the last year has been difficult because of my suicide attempt last March. I know what I did didn’t just affect me; it affected everyone around me.
Last week, I said I was diagnosed with Quiet BPD, which means that I act in rather than out. In the past, most people, except maybe my husband, didn’t even know I was struggling. My moods have been more unpredictable because I’m in a very intense therapy program (I talked about it last week) and a lot of my struggles, pains, issues are rising to the surface what feels like almost constantly. This makes it really hard for me to regulate my emotions and it’s like the “quiet” part of my diagnosis is gone.
It’s all new terrain for me. At some point, I’ll be able to regulate my emotions better. That’s what my therapy’s doing for me–giving me the skills so I can navigate difficult situations. I’m learning, changing, and growing. And, with growing, there are growing pains. I wish my ex-friend could see that.
I only started to blog again two months ago. I love blogging. I’ve actually had a website since 1996 in some way, shape, or form. The only reason I stopped blogging was because of severe depression. It just had too much of a hold on me and I didn’t have the tools to fight the anhedonia that accompanied the depression. It’s only because of my current therapist and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that I’m blogging again.
Why am I mentioning this? The devastation of losing my friend the way I did this week nearly caused me to close up shop again, especially since she’s part of the blogging community and I’ll to continue to see her around the interwebs. … I decided, though, that no matter how much this hurts, she doesn’t get to win, in that way anyway. I’m going to keep blogging, reading, and moving forward in my therapy. Not for her, for me.
This week on the blog:
I started reading THE SOUND OF STARS by Alechia Dow. To be honest, though, I’ve been preoccupied with other things as you can imagine. I’m going to put THE SOUND OF STARS on hold for a couple of days so I can quickly read THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER by CS Lewis for the latest installment for the Narniathon21 that I’m participating in.
This week, I’ve been listening to The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square. They used to be known as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Whenever I’m feeling really down or I’m going through a really tough time, I listen to The Tabernacle Choir sing because it’s comforting and helps remind me I’m not alone.
I have several favorite songs, especially if they’re performing in person or on TV. My favorite, this week, has been “Consider the Lilies” because it was my mom’s favorite and it reminds me of her. I miss her lot. “Consider the Lilies” comes from the following scripture:
“And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.”Matthew 6:28 KJV
I’ve been watching the new season of The Amazing Race. I really like the contestants. Kim and Penn Holderness are my favorite. I’m not a Holderness family fanatic or anything. I’ve watched some of their YouTube videos, but I don’t subscribe to them. I just really like Kim and Penn as a team. They’re very considerate to each other. I’ve never once heard them put each other down like other couples have and do on the show. The last time I watched The Amazing Race was season 9. It’s fun to watch it again after all this time. This season has been interesting because it was interrupted for more than 18 months by the pandemic.
I discovered Among Us, the video game, and I love it! It’s so much fun to play. I love that I can play it on my Nintendo Switch and Corey can join with his computer or iPhone. If you like video games, I highly recommend it. It takes a little bit to get used to the rules and game play, but once you understand what’s going on, you won’t want to put it down.
I want a do-over. This semester is turning out to be a disaster. I’m having a hard time staying focused, caught up, and motivated because all my classes are online due to omicron and I do better when I’m actually in the classroom. Also, some of my mental health struggles during the last three weeks have made it a little harder than normal to focus on school.
I need Russia to leave Ukraine alone. And, honestly, it’s not really Russia, it’s Vladimir Putin. The Russians are subject to his whims and, unfortunately, the Ukrainians have to pay for it. I hope this ordeal doesn’t last long and I wish I could help other than just hurling insults at Putin.
How was your week? Anything exciting happen?