Depression is hard. It’s unbearable at times. On a good day, I feel like I’m running through waist-deep water. On a bad day, I feel like I’m treading water. On a really bad day, I feel like I’m drowning.

A year and a half ago, I felt “normal.” I thought I had found the ultimate cocktail in medication because I knew what it was like to live without being depressed or feeling anxious.

I had to stop taking one of my medications because my insurance wouldn’t cover it. I appealed it and I had my doctor work with them to no avail. Also, when I quit my job last May, we lost our insurance coverage so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. This particular medication is around $1200/month. Since I’m not in the 1%, I could no longer continue to take it.

I’m really struggling right now. I’m at one of the lowest points in my life. It takes every ounce of my strength to get out of bed in the morning. Then, using what’s left over I have to navigate the day. Some days, I can’t do it. Some days, I don’t have the strength to do the things that most people take for granted.

I’ve been living my life one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, for the last two weeks because it’s all I can do to keep suicide from my thoughts. One minute I’m completely fine and the next, I’m completely broken, sobbing, wondering what I can do to lessen the pain and despair I’m feeling. I know suicide isn’t the answer. And, I don’t really want to die. Sometimes, I just wish I’d never been born.

Few people know I’m struggling and if they do, they don’t realize how much I am. The ones that do are the people that count–Corey, my bishop, my psychiatrist, my therapist, and a couple of friends.

Hi! I’m Jenni Elyse. 👋🏻 I suffer from a whole host of mental illnesses. I have since I was a teenager. I experience lots of ups and downs. I have officially been diagnosed with:

  • Fibromyalgia (not a mental illness but it does affect how I feel)
  • Major Depressive Disorder
  • Seasonal Affective Disorder
  • Dependent Personality Disorder
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

My husband and I also suspect I have Asperger Syndrome (now called Level 1 Autism Spectrum Disorder). I’m currently in the diagnostic stage.

I know there are many people who live with mental illness like I do. I also know there are many people who don’t. And, I know there are people who think mental illness is something to be ashamed of because of the stigma surrounding it. Mental illness is a disease, a sickness. It should be treated the same as a physical disease. I hope that one day the world and, especially employers, will see it that way.

Writing about mental illness* isn’t my concept for this blog, but it’ll definitely be part of this blog. I look forward to sharing my journey with you. Hopefully, with what I have in mind, you and I’ll both learn something from this.

*Trigger warning: some of my posts will be raw and emotional and not for the faint of heart.