Let me be brutally honest with you for a few minutes. I had an interesting weekend. It’s been very eye-opening. I’ve come to realize some things and I may be all over the place as I write this post.
My mom passed away a little over seven years ago and it has been since then that my mental health has taken a dive. I suffered from all my mental illnesses before then, but my mom’s death … that’s even hard for me to say. I usually say passing because it seems less permanent to me. Anyway, her death hit me hard. I started to question things I’ve never questioned before in my life.
There’s this emptiness inside of me that I’m trying to fill and I feel like I need to fill it with blogging. I want to share how I’m feeling to help others who may be feeling the same way I am. However, after a few posts, I feel an intense feeling of rejection. I think what I’m writing and sharing is stupid and why would anyone want to read what I have to say. My all-or-nothing defense mechanism kicks in and tells me to shut it all down.
One of the consequences of this all-or-nothing thinking is that I started being wishy washy with my blog. If you’ve been a reader for a while … if you’re still around … then you know I’ve deleted all my content from 2007 and rebranded my blog with different subjects, or just stopped blogging all together for months on end, so many times in the last seven years I’ve lost count.
I’m telling the world this because I feel like God has abandoned me and I don’t know how to deal with that feeling as I’ve always had a strong belief in God and Jesus Christ my entire life. This realization, among other things, led me to nearly take my life on Friday night while Corey was out of town. Trigger warning. Do not read the rest of the paragraph if you’re in a bad space. I nearly swallowed a full bottle of lithium pills and jumped in front of a high-speed commuter train. I wrote a suicide note to Corey and I had the bottle of pills in my hand. I had everything worked out in my mind or at least I thought I did. But a little doubt crept into my mind that took hold and I reached out to my therapist for help.
I don’t want to let the lies my mental illnesses tell me dictate my life. I want to get better. I want to know God hasn’t abandoned me. I want to feel like I haven’t abandoned myself.
I thought maybe if my mental illness will let me and I can resist my all-or-nothing thinking, I’d highlight my ups and downs of dealing with mental illness. Maybe I can help someone else realize they’re not alone along the way.