During this time of year, I always think of the things I’m thankful for.  And every year I’ve been blogging, I’ve posted something about those things.  This year is no different.

1. I’m most thankful for my wonderful husband.  The past 12.5 years haven’t been easy, but they’ve certainly been worth it.  I look forward to another 12.5 years, whatever challenges and happiness they may bring!
2. I’m thankful for my kitties.  They’re so much fun to be around.  They always know when I’ve had a bad day and they try to make it better by spending time with me or loving me.
3. I’m thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, without Whom I’d be nothing.  I’m thankful that He loves me more than I can even comprehend.  I’m thankful that He sacrificed Himself so I can once again return to my Heavenly Father.  I’m thankful that He knows how I’m feeling and that He can give me comfort when I need it most.
4. I’m thankful for the Vigues.  I feel kind of rude singling them out among all my friends, but there are so many reasons I feel I have to single them out.  They’ve been through it all, the good and the bad, with Corey and me, and they’ve been so supportive during the times we’ve needed it.  They treat us like family and I consider them just as much a part of my family as I do my blood relatives, even more sometimes.  Often times, I feel like their adorable children are actually mine and Corey’s.  I’m thankful Ali and Tyler are willing to share them with us as much as they do!
5. I’m thankful for my trials.  I didn’t think I’d ever get to a point when I could say that truthfully, but I truly am thankful for them.  I’ve learned so much from having to suffer as I have and I’ve become a better person for it.  I’ve realized what’s most important and I’ve also realized how wonderful it is to be aware of my surroundings and not take anything for granted.  I would’ve never realized that without the trials I’ve been through.
6. I’m thankful for 12-step programs.  I’ve been participating in a 12-step program specifically for co-dependents.  Even though I’ve only been doing this for a month and I’m still on step 1, I can see how much it has helped me in my life already.  I’m excited I’m learning how to be independent and not expect others to do things for me because I can do them for myself.  I’m also excited I’m beginning to realize my worth.  And, I’m excited I’m learning it’s okay to be assertive and tell people that I’m not okay with something.
7. I’m thankful for the opportunity to go to school.  I missed going to school; I felt like my life was wasting away because it didn’t really have any purpose.  But now, I feel like I have purpose again.  I feel like I’m walking down a path to better myself and it’s a very good feeling.
8. I’m thankful for my family.  Even though I may not see some of them very often and my relationship isn’t the best with some of them anymore, I’m still grateful for them.  Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.  I’m especially grateful for those members that I do have a good relationship with because they help me realize I still have family I can count on.
9. I’m thankful for my friends.  I love my friends and I love how much they enrich my life just by knowing them.  I love being able to have fun with them, cry with them, and just know them.
10. I’m thankful for my job.  Even though I hate my job more than I can express in words, I’m thankful I have one.  I know there are so many people out there who don’t have jobs and I could be one of them.

There are so many more people and things I’m thankful for, but I think the list could go on forever; I’d never be able to list everything.  I’m truly blessed and I’m thankful I know who my blessings come from. Happy Thanksgiving!

Most of you are probably aware that language changes over time, such as old English vs. modern English.  In English, grammar and spelling don’t usually change, except in the case of old, middle, and modern English; normally, it’s the meaning of a word that changes (like gay meaning happy vs. homosexual) or words previously unaccepted as a word become accepted (like ain’t).

Other languages are the same way.  While I was taking Japanese at the beginning of the year, my classmates and I would often joke that eventually Japanese is just going to be English but with a Japanese pronunciation.  For example, as little as 20 years ago, the word for milk used to be gyunyuu.  But now, it’s more common to use miruku, which is “milk” transliterated into a Japanese pronunciation.  There are several words like this.

Today, in my Spanish class, I found out that some languages have an academy that determines what is right and wrong in a language.  English doesn’t have one.  Most of the time, scholars write or speak a certain way and other people follow suit.  Spanish, however, has one and there have been some recent changes to the language.  When I learned Spanish at the age of six, the alphabet had four more letters than the English alphabet–ch, ll, ñ, and rr.  Over time, some countries have eliminated these letters, but it’s now official that ch and ll are no longer part of the alphabet.  (I guess rr hasn’t been a letter for a while now, so ñ is the only extra letter.)  Also, the letter y used to be pronounced i griega, but it’s officially changing to ye.  I’m actually very sad about this one because I think it’s much more fun to say i griega than ye.  When I was younger, v was pronounced ve and w was pronounced doble u (u as the oo in moon), but they are now pronounced uve and doble uve respectively.

I’m okay with some of the changes made to the Spanish language, but I’m more surprised than anything that there’s actually an academy that decides these types of things.  Most of the older people aren’t going to start using the changes; they’re going to keep using the words or saying the things they’ve known their whole life.  Any child just entering school will learn the new way, but other than that, doesn’t it seem a little asinine to expect people to change they way they’ve been speaking, reading, or writing?  I guess it could be argued that those who don’t conform would be considered uneducated, uninformed, or possibly even prejudiced, just as if a person from my parents’ generation still used racial slurs as a way to refer to people of a different ethnicity other than their own.  But still, doesn’t it seem weird to dictate to someone that you can no longer call the letter y i griega?

I’ve been thinking about addiction a lot lately: partly because of counseling and trying to find the areas in my life that I can improve; and, partly because I had my first experience with morphine on Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning.

Some of you may realize that I have a very addictive personality.  I find it interesting, however, the things I’ve been or am addicted to.  When I had morphine given to me this week, the first thought that came to me was, “How on earth can someone take this stuff recreationally?”  Morphine is the worst substance in the world!  Sure, it takes away your physical pain, but in the same instance, it makes you feel like you can’t breathe or move because your lungs and muscles are weighed down by some unknown force. (For those of you who don’t know why I had my first experience with morphine because you’re not on Facebook–yes, Aymee, I’m talking about you–I spent a night in the ER.  I was overly dehydrated from being sick on Tuesday and I had extremely horrible abdominal cramps that wouldn’t go away.  The ER doctor determined that I have a viral or bacterial infection in my intestines.  The only way to tell the difference is by me providing something I haven’t been able to do because I haven’t been eating very much.  Of course he didn’t want to give me antibiotics just in case it’s viral because antibiotics in this instance will actually make me worse.  I’m starting to feel better.)

What did I gather from my experience with morphine?  I realized that I don’t understand drug/alcohol addiction because I, personally, hate how medications make me feel and I think that’s what being on drugs or drinking alcohol would feel like.  I hate the feeling of being high because I don’t feel like I have my faculties about me.  I hate feeling like I’m not in control of what I’m doing or saying.  I hate not being able to remember something because something I ingested messed with my memory.  (I’ll admit that I do like being put out by anesthesia, but only because I get to sleep soundlessly for the next 24 hours.)  What I do understand, however, is the addiction to something that gives me instant gratification.

I’ve always struggled with instant gratification.  Hence, the reason I gained over 100 pounds in ten years.  But, instant gratification isn’t always about food for me.  It’s more about pleasing the pleasure center of my brain.  When the pleasure center of my brain is in a state of “happiness” (often false happiness), I become addicted to that feeling and I try to find things that can make that feeling come back time after time.  I often find instant gratification in food, playing games, many other forms of entertainment, and being co-dependent.  Other than the co-dependent thing, the other things aren’t inherently evil.  It’s only when they’re done in excess or when they take over your life that they become a problem.  Each of these things (when done in excess) have one thing in common: you end up relying on another person or thing to make you feel good about yourself rather than relying on yourself to make you feel good about yourself.  Everyone does it because it’s human nature.  But, many people don’t realize they’re doing it and, sadly, many people do realize they’re doing it and just don’t care.

Learning to realize that I’m the only one who can make me feel good about myself has been a lifelong struggle … a very difficult and heart-wrenching struggle.  But, I’m glad this realization is starting to sink in.  I’m glad I’m taking the steps, rather than just doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, to turn this realization into a plan of action.  I’m glad I’m taking the steps to take responsibility for my actions rather than playing the victim and blaming society for my problems.

We’re all victims in one form or another.  But, at some point, we need to realize that we’re the only one who can change our life.  We’re only stuck where we are when we choose not to move.

About a week ago, my friend Tawnya posted a link on her blog.  This link directed me to a very well-known blog called Single Dad Laughing.  Normally, his posts are funny and about his life as a single dad with a three-year-old son.  However, in this instance, this “post was written in complete desperation” because he had “recently learned some very sobering truths from people that [he] love[s] dearly.”  The post is very long, but very insightful.

This post is about the disease called “Perfection.”  Dan (the blogger of Single Dad Laughing) states:

I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of “Perfection” spreading, and it needs to stop. … It’s a sickness that I’ve been trying to put into words for years without much success. It’s a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It’s a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.

… What is the disease called “Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. “Perfection” is much different than perfectionism.

He then gives several examples of what “Perfection” is.  I can in no way summarize the profoundness of what he said as well as the actual post illustrates this disease.  I highly recommend you read this post as well as its follow-up post.  And, I want to share my story of “Perfection” in the effort to be more real and embrace my own weaknesses.  (I hope this comes across as something profound instead of as a pity party.  I don’t want a pity party.)

I suffer from “Perfection” big time.  I often do everything I do because I’m doing it for someone else.  I want people to be happy with me, to like me, to think good of me.  I don’t want people to be mad at me, to hate me, to think I’m dumb or inferior to them.  And, I want to stop perpetuating “Perfection” to myself and others.  More often than not, however, my shame grips me and crushes me, making it hard to face and challenge my weaknesses and act as if they don’t exist because this is much easier to do.  There are many things I have overcome, but there are still many things I feel like I need to overcome.

My biggest struggle is accepting myself for who I am.  I always compare myself to other people.  I tell myself that I’m not as pretty, smart, thin, or even as good or important as they are.  I also think because I’m not as important or good as someone else, how can they like someone like me?  How can anyone like someone like me?  I always think people act nice around me because they want to be nice, but secretly they hate me and wish I’d go away.  I also don’t feel like my opinions matter.  If someone says something contrary to my opinion (unless it’s against my core beliefs which come from my religion), then I usually acquiesce to their opinion instead of holding firm to my own or being able to listen to their opinion without thinking mine is inferior.  Sometimes, I get very angry at the person talking to me because I feel like they’re attacking me on purpose and trying to make me feel inferior when the reality is that I’m making myself feel inferior.

Some words of advice that I’d give myself when I’m feeling down are three fold.  First, I need to remember to fear God more than man.  It doesn’t matter what others think of me, even if they think I’m the lowest creature from the deepest, darkest abyss in this world.  It only matters what God and I think of myself, as long as I’m doing everything in my power to be the best I can be.  And, that doesn’t mean perpetuating the disease of “Perfection”; it just means accepting that I’m human and that I’ll make mistakes and struggle through this life like everyone else does.  I’m no different from the rest of the people on this earth.

Second, I’d quote something from President Gordon B. Hinckley, one of the people I admire the most in this world. He said, “It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”

Third, I’d also quote two very profound thoughts from Albus Dumbledore … I mean JK Rowling (through Albus Dumbledore):

1. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live …” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone).
2. “It is our choices … that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities” (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets).

This post about “Perfection” on Single Dad Laughing has helped me understand and appreciate the counsel I have received over the past five years from my counselor. She is always telling me to be “real,” to challenge my automatic thoughts that have been running rampant in my brain for far too long, to stop being the victim and take responsibility for my choices and my actions.  It’s been hard, and I struggle to overcome “Perfection” daily, but I’m working on it, I’m aware that it exists, and I don’t want it to control my life.  I still have a long, long way to go.  But, someday, even if it’s not until the other side, I will triumph and I will heal from the things that have affected my life.  Someday, I’ll realize that all the bad things I’ve had to endure have made me into the person I am today … someone who is wonderful, friendly, compassionate, quirky, full of life, and yes, even a little bit insecure.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I love John Williams.  (For those of you who don’t know who John Williams is, he composed the music for the Star Wars saga, Indiana Jones series, and many others.)

Until I was a teenager, I didn’t really listen to music unless my older sisters or my parents were listening to it.  I guess that’s fairly normal since most kids don’t start getting into music until the end of elementary school or the beginning of junior high.  Anyway, when I was in the 7th grade, I was introduced to and became obsessed with The New Kids on the Block.  Their music was the only music I listened to on my own.  Their popularity didn’t last long, however, and even though I still loved them (in secret), I stopped listening to them when I was in the 9th grade.  (I even threw away all my albums.)

After I stopped listening to NKOTB, I went back to my old ways of not listening to music … until I saw Jurassic Park.  When I saw Jurassic Park, it had a very profound effect on me.  First, it was the first scary movie, in who knows how long, that didn’t give me nightmares.  Second, I absolutely fell in love with the music.  The Jurassic Park soundtrack became the first of many soundtracks I own.

Even before hearing the music in Jurassic Park for the first time, I had loved music composed by John Williams.  I had been raised with his music in my ears practically from birth as most of my family are huge Spielberg/Lucas/Williams fans.  I just didn’t pay as much attention to his music until I saw Jurassic Park.

John Williams will always hold a very special place in my heart.  But, another composer’s music is beginning to touch my soul more than Williams’s.  Every time I listen to this composer’s music, I experience an extreme emotional response that tugs at my heart strings.  I feel more connected to it than I ever did with Williams’s music (other than the music from Schindler’s List).  I think this music touches me so profoundly because it’s normally written in the minor key and I love the minor key more than any other key in music.

The composer I’m talking about is Hans Zimmer.  I first heard his music when I watched The Lion King.  Even then I was hooked, I just didn’t know by how much.  It wasn’t until recently I discovered the emotional response I feel when I listen to his music.  Gladiator and The Last Samurai soundtracks are two of my favorites.  I also enjoy the soundtracks to all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies (although the first Pirates movie score was composed by Klaus Badelt and only produced by Zimmer, but I’m sure he had some influence), Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight.  The music from Sherlock Holmes is a lot of fun too.

James Horner (composer of Titanic and A Beautiful Mind) has always been on the verge of surpassing my fondness for John Williams, but he has never quite done it.  I could always say that I loved Williams’s music more.  With Zimmer, that’s no longer the case and it seems weird to me to admit that I like another composer’s music better than Williams’s.  Fortunately for me, in this instance, I can have my cake and eat it too.

It’s time to sort out my priorities again.  I feel like I’m just going through the motions of doing important things rather than really wanting to do them.  Does that make sense?  I guess I feel like I’m doing things haphazardly again.

I’m not going to bed on time anymore.  Because I’m not going to bed on time, I’m getting up late, which makes me late to work.  And, even though I’m getting to work late, I’m still leaving work early enough to get to my classes on time because my classes are at a set schedule, my grades are partially determined by attendance, and I absolutely love going to class.  Or, in other words, I’m not always working a full 40-hour work week like I’m supposed to as a salaried employee.

I’m also having a hard time being productive at work because I feel like my job is the most boring job in the entire world.  I always get my work done, but I don’t get it done as quickly as I could.  I would quit my job and find something else I enjoy doing more, but I can’t quit because no one else is hiring right now and no one else will pay me as much as I get paid at my current job; I’ve been pigeon-holed until I graduate from school.

I’m not eating as healthy as I was last year and the only exercise I get is walking around campus.  I’ve had a hard time remembering to read my scriptures at night.  I haven’t been to the temple since December because I’ve been so busy with school and work.  And, finally, I just have no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately because of my lack of motivation.  I feel like I’m in a slump, a slump with really steep, slippery, high walls, making it almost impossible to climb out.  The only things that have kept me going lately are school, Project 365, and reading for fun for the past few days because I haven’t had any homework.  (My last class for this semester was yesterday, but I don’t start taking finals until Friday.)

I’m excited to start a new term in a couple of weeks.  I think a change of pace will help me get out of this slump.  For one thing, I’ll be less busy because I’m only taking one class rather than three.  And, for another thing, it will be something different.

Even with a change in pace in a couple of weeks, I just need to focus and make stronger commitments to do better.  I also need to check in with myself daily so if I start to get in a slump again, I can get out of it immediately rather than wallow in it for months at a time.  Here’s to putting on some climbing gear and getting out of this slump by refocusing on my goals and putting those things first that need to be. Wish me luck!

PS–Any idea what book my title alludes to?

I want to share a couple of stories that I think are cute.  The first happened yesterday.  The song “Alice” by Avril Lavigne plays during the credits for Alice in Wonderland.  While Corey and I were watching the credits, there was a little girl sitting behind us, maybe six or seven years old, who was singing her heart out to this song.  I thought it was so cute because she had no inhibitions; she was just enjoying herself, signing along with a song she knew.

The second happened in church today. Another little girl, maybe 10 years old, was sitting in front of us drawing.  She’s a pretty good little artist.  She drew a picture of a palm tree on a beach.  After she had finished coloring it, she turned it around and wrote a copyright with her “signature.”  It made me smile and laugh.

Some of the things kids do just make me smile and burst with joy.  Like I said, they usually have no inhibitions and they find fun and happiness in everyday things.  My brother-in-law Brett Raymond is a musician.  A couple of his albums are remixes of primary songs jazzed up a little bit.  On his first album Primarily For Grown-Ups, he wrote a song called “Through a Child’s Eyes.”  I love the lyrics because they illustrate what seeing through a child’s eyes is like:

These old eyes are getting tired of losing faith in this world from day to day
Down the road, getting deeper, innocence lost along the way
Then I see you laughing and I’m reminded how the world is meant to be
See those eyes filled with wonder
And, I wonder if my heart could ever see like that again
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
There’s hope, there’s peace, there’s love, and I can almost see Heaven above
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
And, I think it will be all right
Just close our eyes and see again
Imagination, play again
See through the eyes of love again
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes

I wish children didn’t have to grow up and become jaded and cynical because of the awful things in this world.  I wish they could keep their innocence, but I know it’s impossible.

If only we could see through a child’s eyes again, the world would be a much better place.  No wonder the Savior said, “Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4).

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I’m a pessimist through and through.  There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.   I try to be optimistic, but somewhere deep down I think that if I expect the worst, then I’ll never be disappointed.   The only problem with this logic is I tend to be a little paranoid and sad most of the time, which I know gets on people’s nerves … a lot.  Even when I have a ton of good things going for me, I tend to focus on the one thing that isn’t.

For the past couple of weeks, things have been going really well for Corey and me.  We’re doing fairly okay financially now that my financial aid has come through, I did well on three out of four of my midterm exams (I could have done well on the fourth too; I just don’t have my score yet), we’re both fairly healthy right now, I have a lot of friends, and I’m going to school.  But, do I focus on these things?  No.  Instead, I’ve been focusing on being dead tired all the time, still having to work at my job, not getting to read for pleasure, not having all my good friends or family members comment on my blog but seeing them comment on others’ blogs, wondering if I really have as many friends as I think I do, wondering if I talk too much when I’m around people, and money going really fast even when I’m not trying to spend it.

No wonder I’m tired all the time.  Anyone would be tired if they focused on all these negative things.  Do you do that too?  I think most people do that to some extent because it’s human nature.  But, I know so many people that do such a good job at not focusing on the negative, or at least that’s the way it seems to me; maybe, they’re just really good at hiding their true feelings.

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?  If you’re an optimist, how do you remain positive when things seem like they’re not going your way?  If you’re a pessimist, how do you not focus on that one thing that’s not going your way and refocus on the good in your life?

PS–I’m really grateful for all the comments I get.  This post is in no way a ploy to get more comments; I was just using it as another example of what goes through my head when I’m focusing on the bad.

Corey is quite literally a jack of all trades.  He can learn how to do something and be good at it without even trying.  It’s nice to have such a handy husband.  And, at the same time, it’s discouraging because I don’t feel like I’m really that good at anything and I feel like I’m sub-par compared to him.

I know I have talents.  I can crochet, knit, play the piano, learn foreign languages fairly easily, etc., but I don’t feel like I’m really superb at any of these things.  Yes, I do realize this could just be my self-esteem talking.  But, when I really stop to think about it, I don’t think I’m that good at any one of these things.  I can read crochet patterns like nothing else, but I can’t make up my own patterns.  I can play the piano, but I’m not a very good accompanist or I could never be a concert pianist.  I pick up on foreign languages really easily, but I’m not fluent in any of the languages I’ve been exposed to.

You may be wondering what brought on this train of thought.  I’m trying to find my passion.  I think it would help me while I’m going to school.  I’m still unsure of whether getting a Bachelor’s in English is the right step for me.  I plan to stick it out and give a few more English classes a try because I don’t want to base my decision off of one class.  However, I don’t have a lot of leeway anymore to try different things.  I’m technically a senior with 95 credits for crying out loud.  But, those 95 credits aren’t really in any one particular subject.  My Associate’s degree doesn’t even have an emphasis.

There are a lot of things I enjoy doing, but I’m not sure if I want to do them for a living.  I love figuring out why people work the way they do so psychology could be a good way to go.  But, I know I wouldn’t do well listening to other people’s problems all the time.  I’d get depressed and take their problems on as my own.  I love to read and that’s why, at this point, I’ve chosen to become an editor.  I’m only second guessing myself because I don’t have a passion to read like a few people I know.  They devour anything with words on it: cereal boxes, newspapers, Internet articles, books, etc.  Whereas, I only devour things that interest me.  I don’t do well being forced to read something I don’t want to because I just won’t do it.  Is an editor really the right way to go then?

I don’t feel like I was given enough direction when I was growing up, either by my parents or by my teachers.  I don’t feel like I was prepared for the real world.  The only thing my parents instilled in me was a passion to learn.  That’s why I’d rather go to school just to go to school.  I never really gained a good work ethic.  It’s only my perfectionism that keeps me going at work.  But, honestly, that only gets me so far.  My teachers didn’t really push me in any one direction either.  I was good at math (I had a theorem named after me in high school) and I was good at foreign languages.  So what?  None of the professions in those fields sound interesting to me.

This post is turning out to be quite the novel so I better wrap up.  I hope I can find my passion, find something I’m good at, find something I want to do or be, etc.  Hopefully, I’ve made the right decision with graduating in English.  I guess only time will tell.

In May, I talked about my search for creativity and how I feel like my job as a technical writer has sucked my reservoir dry.  I also stated:

Creative writing’s so different than technical writing.  Sure, the same basic concepts apply to both, but the audience is different.  With creative writing, the grammar’s a little more relaxed since it’s supposed to be more conversational.  Also, a lot of grammar rules are more “styles” than actual “rules” and trying to differentiate between styles is often hard when you don’t have a strong foundation in grammar.

Even when I write a blog post, I feel like I have to dot every “i” and cross every “t.”  I want to follow the stylistic choices we use at work because that’s what I’m used to writing with now.  I have a hard time being relaxed and funny because it doesn’t seem proper.  I don’t feel like I can just let things flow the way they want to flow out of my head.  I want everything to be perfect, barring the minor mistakes you expect someone to make.

Even though I still feel like I have to dot every “i” and cross every “t” and I still feel like I don’t have as strong of a foundation in grammar as I’d like, I know I’m learning and that’s what’s important.  However, because I don’t feel like I have a strong foundation in grammar, I decided to do something about it.

My co-worker Roger has a printed Chicago Manual of Style.  (For those of you who don’t know what the Chicago Manual of Style is, it’s a set of style guidelines for writing, whether it be creative or technical.  And, most people in the publishing industry consider it to be the standard.)  During my breaks, I’ve been borrowing Roger’s manual to become more acquainted with the styles and guidelines in it and I feel like it’s been a tremendous help.  I understand some of the grammar concepts I’ve never been able to fully grasp before.

Because I didn’t want to keep borrowing Roger’s copy, I looked into getting my own.  The manual is $55, which is a little too expensive for a book right now.  So, I decided to look into different alternatives and to my surprise, I discovered that the Chicago Manual of Style is online! It’s subscription based, but one year’s subscription is less than the cost of the printed manual and I can try it out for a month for free.  I immediately signed up for the trial and I feel like I’ve already got my money’s worth if I had signed up for the subscription, which I plan on doing when my trial’s up.