Nov 25, 2010

Ten Things I’m Thankful For

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During this time of year, I always think of the things I’m thankful for.  And every year I’ve been blogging, I’ve posted something about those things.  This year is no different.

  1. I’m most thankful for my wonderful husband.  The past 12.5 years haven’t been easy, but they’ve certainly been worth it.  I look forward to another 12.5 years, whatever challenges and happiness they may bring!
  2. I’m thankful for my kitties.  They’re so much fun to be around.  They always know when I’ve had a bad day and they try to make it better by spending time with me or loving me.
  3. I’m thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, without Whom I’d be nothing.  I’m thankful that He loves me more than I can even comprehend.  I’m thankful that He sacrificed Himself so I can once again return to my Heavenly Father.  I’m thankful that He knows how I’m feeling and that He can give me comfort when I need it most.
  4. I’m thankful for the Vigues.  I feel kind of rude singling them out among all my friends, but there are so many reasons I feel I have to single them out.  They’ve been through it all, the good and the bad, with Corey and me, and they’ve been so supportive during the times we’ve needed it.  They treat us like family and I consider them just as much a part of my family as I do my blood relatives, even more sometimes.  Often times, I feel like their adorable children are actually mine and Corey’s.  I’m thankful Ali and Tyler are willing to share them with us as much as they do!
  5. I’m thankful for my trials.  I didn’t think I’d ever get to a point when I could say that truthfully, but I truly am thankful for them.  I’ve learned so much from having to suffer as I have and I’ve become a better person for it.  I’ve realized what’s most important and I’ve also realized how wonderful it is to be aware of my surroundings and not take anything for granted.  I would’ve never realized that without the trials I’ve been through.
  6. I’m thankful for 12-step programs.  I’ve been participating in a 12-step program specifically for co-dependents.  Even though I’ve only been doing this for a month and I’m still on step 1, I can see how much it has helped me in my life already.  I’m excited I’m learning how to be independent and not expect others to do things for me because I can do them for myself.  I’m also excited I’m beginning to realize my worth.  And, I’m excited I’m learning it’s okay to be assertive and tell people that I’m not okay with something.
  7. I’m thankful for the opportunity to go to school.  I missed going to school; I felt like my life was wasting away because it didn’t really have any purpose.  But now, I feel like I have purpose again.  I feel like I’m walking down a path to better myself and it’s a very good feeling.
  8. I’m thankful for my family.  Even though I may not see some of them very often and my relationship isn’t the best with some of them anymore, I’m still grateful for them.  Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.  I’m especially grateful for those members that I do have a good relationship with because they help me realize I still have family I can count on.
  9. I’m thankful for my friends.  I love my friends and I love how much they enrich my life just by knowing them.  I love being able to have fun with them, cry with them, and just know them.
  10. I’m thankful for my job.  Even though I hate my job more than I can express in words, I’m thankful I have one.  I know there are so many people out there who don’t have jobs and I could be one of them.

There are so many more people and things I’m thankful for, but I think the list could go on forever; I’d never be able to list everything.  I’m truly blessed and I’m thankful I know who my blessings come from. Happy Thanksgiving!

Filed Under: Musings · 6 Comments
Nov 10, 2010

The Evolution of Language

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Most of you are probably aware that language changes over time, such as old English vs. modern English.  In English, grammar and spelling don’t usually change, except in the case of old, middle, and modern English; normally, it’s the meaning of a word that changes (like gay meaning happy vs. homosexual) or words previously unaccepted as a word become accepted (like ain’t).

Other languages are the same way.  While I was taking Japanese at the beginning of the year, my classmates and I would often joke that eventually Japanese is just going to be English but with a Japanese pronunciation.  For example, as little as 20 years ago, the word for milk used to be gyunyuu.  But now, it’s more common to use miruku, which is “milk” transliterated into a Japanese pronunciation.  There are several words like this.

Today, in my Spanish class, I found out that some languages have an academy that determines what is right and wrong in a language.  English doesn’t have one.  Most of the time, scholars write or speak a certain way and other people follow suit.  Spanish, however, has one and there have been some recent changes to the language.  When I learned Spanish at the age of six, the alphabet had four more letters than the English alphabet–ch, ll, ñ, and rr.  Over time, some countries have eliminated these letters, but it’s now official that ch and ll are no longer part of the alphabet.  (I guess rr hasn’t been a letter for a while now, so ñ is the only extra letter.)  Also, the letter y used to be pronounced i griega, but it’s officially changing to ye.  I’m actually very sad about this one because I think it’s much more fun to say i griega than ye.  When I was younger, v was pronounced ve and w was pronounced doble u (u as the oo in moon), but they are now pronounced uve and doble uve respectively.

I’m okay with some of the changes made to the Spanish language, but I’m more surprised than anything that there’s actually an academy that decides these types of things.  Most of the older people aren’t going to start using the changes; they’re going to keep using the words or saying the things they’ve known their whole life.  Any child just entering school will learn the new way, but other than that, doesn’t it seem a little asinine to expect people to change they way they’ve been speaking, reading, or writing?  I guess it could be argued that those who don’t conform would be considered uneducated, uninformed, or possibly even prejudiced, just as if a person from my parents’ generation still used racial slurs as a way to refer to people of a different ethnicity other than their own.  But still, doesn’t it seem weird to dictate to someone that you can no longer call the letter y i griega?

Filed Under: Musings · 17 Comments
Oct 28, 2010

My Thoughts on Addiction

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I’ve been thinking about addiction a lot lately: partly because of counseling and trying to find the areas in my life that I can improve; and, partly because I had my first experience with morphine on Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning.

Some of you may realize that I have a very addictive personality.  I find it interesting, however, the things I’ve been or am addicted to.  When I had morphine given to me this week, the first thought that came to me was, “How on earth can someone take this stuff recreationally?”  Morphine is the worst substance in the world!  Sure, it takes away your physical pain, but in the same instance, it makes you feel like you can’t breathe or move because your lungs and muscles are weighed down by some unknown force. (For those of you who don’t know why I had my first experience with morphine because you’re not on Facebook–yes, Aymee, I’m talking about you–I spent a night in the ER.  I was overly dehydrated from being sick on Tuesday and I had extremely horrible abdominal cramps that wouldn’t go away.  The ER doctor determined that I have a viral or bacterial infection in my intestines.  The only way to tell the difference is by me providing something I haven’t been able to do because I haven’t been eating very much.  Of course he didn’t want to give me antibiotics just in case it’s viral because antibiotics in this instance will actually make me worse.  I’m starting to feel better.)

What did I gather from my experience with morphine?  I realized that I don’t understand drug/alcohol addiction because I, personally, hate how medications make me feel and I think that’s what being on drugs or drinking alcohol would feel like.  I hate the feeling of being high because I don’t feel like I have my faculties about me.  I hate feeling like I’m not in control of what I’m doing or saying.  I hate not being able to remember something because something I ingested messed with my memory.  (I’ll admit that I do like being put out by anesthesia, but only because I get to sleep soundlessly for the next 24 hours.)  What I do understand, however, is the addiction to something that gives me instant gratification.

I’ve always struggled with instant gratification.  Hence, the reason I gained over 100 pounds in ten years.  But, instant gratification isn’t always about food for me.  It’s more about pleasing the pleasure center of my brain.  When the pleasure center of my brain is in a state of “happiness” (often false happiness), I become addicted to that feeling and I try to find things that can make that feeling come back time after time.  I often find instant gratification in food, playing games, many other forms of entertainment, and being co-dependent.  Other than the co-dependent thing, the other things aren’t inherently evil.  It’s only when they’re done in excess or when they take over your life that they become a problem.  Each of these things (when done in excess) have one thing in common: you end up relying on another person or thing to make you feel good about yourself rather than relying on yourself to make you feel good about yourself.  Everyone does it because it’s human nature.  But, many people don’t realize they’re doing it and, sadly, many people do realize they’re doing it and just don’t care.

Learning to realize that I’m the only one who can make me feel good about myself has been a lifelong struggle … a very difficult and heart-wrenching struggle.  But, I’m glad this realization is starting to sink in.  I’m glad I’m taking the steps, rather than just doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, to turn this realization into a plan of action.  I’m glad I’m taking the steps to take responsibility for my actions rather than playing the victim and blaming society for my problems.

We’re all victims in one form or another.  But, at some point, we need to realize that we’re the only one who can change our life.  We’re only stuck where we are when we choose not to move.

Filed Under: Getting Healthy, Musings · 14 Comments
Oct 1, 2010

Perfection

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About a week ago, my friend Tawnya posted a link on her blog.  This link directed me to a very well-known blog called Single Dad Laughing.  Normally, his posts are funny and about his life as a single dad with a three-year-old son.  However, in this instance, this “post was written in complete desperation” because he had “recently learned some very sobering truths from people that [he] love[s] dearly.”  The post is very long, but very insightful.

This post is about the disease called “Perfection.”  Dan (the blogger of Single Dad Laughing) states:

I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of “Perfection” spreading, and it needs to stop. … It’s a sickness that I’ve been trying to put into words for years without much success. It’s a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It’s a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.

… What is the disease called “Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. “Perfection” is much different than perfectionism.

He then gives several examples of what “Perfection” is.  I can in no way summarize the profoundness of what he said as well as the actual post illustrates this disease.  I highly recommend you read this post as well as its follow-up post.  And, I want to share my story of “Perfection” in the effort to be more real and embrace my own weaknesses.  (I hope this comes across as something profound instead of as a pity party.  I don’t want a pity party.)

I suffer from “Perfection” big time.  I often do everything I do because I’m doing it for someone else.  I want people to be happy with me, to like me, to think good of me.  I don’t want people to be mad at me, to hate me, to think I’m dumb or inferior to them.  And, I want to stop perpetuating “Perfection” to myself and others.  More often than not, however, my shame grips me and crushes me, making it hard to face and challenge my weaknesses and act as if they don’t exist because this is much easier to do.  There are many things I have overcome, but there are still many things I feel like I need to overcome.

My biggest struggle is accepting myself for who I am.  I always compare myself to other people.  I tell myself that I’m not as pretty, smart, thin, or even as good or important as they are.  I also think because I’m not as important or good as someone else, how can they like someone like me?  How can anyone like someone like me?  I always think people act nice around me because they want to be nice, but secretly they hate me and wish I’d go away.  I also don’t feel like my opinions matter.  If someone says something contrary to my opinion (unless it’s against my core beliefs which come from my religion), then I usually acquiesce to their opinion instead of holding firm to my own or being able to listen to their opinion without thinking mine is inferior.  Sometimes, I get very angry at the person talking to me because I feel like they’re attacking me on purpose and trying to make me feel inferior when the reality is that I’m making myself feel inferior.

Some words of advice that I’d give myself when I’m feeling down are three fold.  First, I need to remember to fear God more than man.  It doesn’t matter what others think of me, even if they think I’m the lowest creature from the deepest, darkest abyss in this world.  It only matters what God and I think of myself, as long as I’m doing everything in my power to be the best I can be.  And, that doesn’t mean perpetuating the disease of “Perfection”; it just means accepting that I’m human and that I’ll make mistakes and struggle through this life like everyone else does.  I’m no different from the rest of the people on this earth.

Second, I’d quote something from President Gordon B. Hinckley, one of the people I admire the most in this world. He said, “It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”

Third, I’d also quote two very profound thoughts from Albus Dumbledore … I mean JK Rowling (through Albus Dumbledore):

  1. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live …” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone).
  2. “It is our choices … that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities” (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets).

This post about “Perfection” on Single Dad Laughing has helped me understand and appreciate the counsel I have received over the past five years from my counselor. She is always telling me to be “real,” to challenge my automatic thoughts that have been running rampant in my brain for far too long, to stop being the victim and take responsibility for my choices and my actions.  It’s been hard, and I struggle to overcome “Perfection” daily, but I’m working on it, I’m aware that it exists, and I don’t want it to control my life.  I still have a long, long way to go.  But, someday, even if it’s not until the other side, I will triumph and I will heal from the things that have affected my life.  Someday, I’ll realize that all the bad things I’ve had to endure have made me into the person I am today … someone who is wonderful, friendly, compassionate, quirky, full of life, and yes, even a little bit insecure.

Filed Under: Challenges, Getting Healthy, Musings · 8 Comments
May 3, 2010

A New Favorite

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Anyone who really knows me knows that I love John Williams.  (For those of you who don’t know who John Williams is, he composed the music for the Star Wars saga, Indiana Jones series, and many others.)

Until I was a teenager, I didn’t really listen to music unless my older sisters or my parents were listening to it.  I guess that’s fairly normal since most kids don’t start getting into music until the end of elementary school or the beginning of junior high.  Anyway, when I was in the 7th grade, I was introduced to and became obsessed with The New Kids on the Block.  Their music was the only music I listened to on my own.  Their popularity didn’t last long, however, and even though I still loved them (in secret), I stopped listening to them when I was in the 9th grade.  (I even threw away all my albums.)

After I stopped listening to NKOTB, I went back to my old ways of not listening to music … until I saw Jurassic Park.  When I saw Jurassic Park, it had a very profound effect on me.  First, it was the first scary movie, in who knows how long, that didn’t give me nightmares.  Second, I absolutely fell in love with the music.  The Jurassic Park soundtrack became the first of many soundtracks I own.

Even before hearing the music in Jurassic Park for the first time, I had loved music composed by John Williams.  I had been raised with his music in my ears practically from birth as most of my family are huge Spielberg/Lucas/Williams fans.  I just didn’t pay as much attention to his music until I saw Jurassic Park.

John Williams will always hold a very special place in my heart.  But, another composer’s music is beginning to touch my soul more than Williams’s.  Every time I listen to this composer’s music, I experience an extreme emotional response that tugs at my heart strings.  I feel more connected to it than I ever did with Williams’s music (other than the music from Schindler’s List).  I think this music touches me so profoundly because it’s normally written in the minor key and I love the minor key more than any other key in music.

The composer I’m talking about is Hans Zimmer.  I first heard his music when I watched The Lion King.  Even then I was hooked, I just didn’t know by how much.  It wasn’t until recently I discovered the emotional response I feel when I listen to his music.  Gladiator and The Last Samurai soundtracks are two of my favorites.  I also enjoy the soundtracks to all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies (although the first Pirates movie score was composed by Klaus Badelt and only produced by Zimmer, but I’m sure he had some influence), Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight.  The music from Sherlock Holmes is a lot of fun too.

James Horner (composer of Titanic and A Beautiful Mind) has always been on the verge of surpassing my fondness for John Williams, but he has never quite done it.  I could always say that I loved Williams’s music more.  With Zimmer, that’s no longer the case and it seems weird to me to admit that I like another composer’s music better than Williams’s.  Fortunately for me, in this instance, I can have my cake and eat it too.

Filed Under: Music, Musings · 21 Comments
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