Anyone who really knows me knows that I love John Williams.  (For those of you who don’t know who John Williams is, he composed the music for the Star Wars saga, Indiana Jones series, and many others.)

Until I was a teenager, I didn’t really listen to music unless my older sisters or my parents were listening to it.  I guess that’s fairly normal since most kids don’t start getting into music until the end of elementary school or the beginning of junior high.  Anyway, when I was in the 7th grade, I was introduced to and became obsessed with The New Kids on the Block.  Their music was the only music I listened to on my own.  Their popularity didn’t last long, however, and even though I still loved them (in secret), I stopped listening to them when I was in the 8th grade.  (I even threw away all my albums.)

After I stopped listening to NKOTB, I went back to my old ways of not listening to music … until I saw Jurassic Park.  When I saw Jurassic Park, it had a very profound effect on me.  First, it was the first scary movie, in who knows how long, that didn’t give me nightmares.  Second, I absolutely fell in love with the music.  The Jurassic Park soundtrack became the first of many soundtracks I own.

Even before hearing the music in Jurassic Park for the first time, I had loved music composed by John Williams.  I had been raised with his music in my ears practically from birth as most of my family are huge Spielberg/Lucas/Williams fans.  I just didn’t pay as much attention to his music until I saw Jurassic Park.

John Williams will always hold a very special place in my heart.  But, another composer’s music is beginning to touch my soul more than Williams’s.  Every time I listen to this composer’s music, I experience an extreme emotional response that tugs at my heart strings.  I feel more connected to it than I ever did with Williams’s music (other than the music from Schindler’s List).  I think this music touches me so profoundly because it’s normally written in the minor key and I love the minor key more than any other key in music.

The composer I’m talking about is Hans Zimmer.  I first heard his music when I watched The Lion King.  Even then I was hooked, I just didn’t know by how much.  It wasn’t until recently I discovered the emotional response I feel when I listen to his music.  Gladiator and The Last Samurai soundtracks are two of my favorites.  I also enjoy the soundtracks to all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies (although the first Pirates movie score was composed by Klaus Badelt and only produced by Zimmer, but I’m sure he had some influence), Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight.  The music from Sherlock Holmes is a lot of fun too.

James Horner (composer of Titanic and A Beautiful Mind) has always been on the verge of surpassing my fondness for John Williams, but he has never quite done it.  I could always say that I loved Williams’s music more.  With Zimmer, that’s no longer the case and it seems weird to me to admit that I like another composer’s music better than Williams’s.  Fortunately for me, in this instance, I can have my cake and eat it too.

It’s time to sort out my priorities again.  I feel like I’m just going through the motions of doing important things rather than really wanting to do them.  Does that make sense?  I guess I feel like I’m doing things half-assed again.  (I looked up synonyms for “half-assed,” but none of them describe how I feel as perfectly as “half-assed” does.  I guess haphazardly could work, but it doesn’t feel as strong.  Do you have any word suggestions I can use instead?)

I’m not going to bed on time anymore.  Because I’m not going to bed on time, I’m getting up late, which makes me late to work.  And, even though I’m getting to work late, I’m still leaving work early enough to get to my classes on time because my classes are at a set schedule, my grades are partially determined by attendance, and I absolutely love going to class.  Or, in other words, I’m not always working a full 40-hour work week like I’m supposed to as a salaried employee.

I’m also having a hard time being productive at work because I feel like my job is the most boring job in the entire world.  I always get my work done, but I don’t get it done as quickly as I could.  I would quit my job and find something else I enjoy doing more, but I can’t quit because no one else is hiring right now and no one else will pay me as much as I get paid at my current job; I’ve been pigeon-holed until I graduate from school.

I’m not eating as healthy as I was last year and the only exercise I get is walking around campus.  I’ve had a hard time remembering to read my scriptures at night.  I haven’t been to the temple since December because I’ve been so busy with school and work.  And, finally, I just have no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately because of my lack of motivation.  I feel like I’m in a slump, a slump with really steep, slippery, high walls, making it almost impossible to climb out.  The only things that have kept me going lately are school, Project 365, and reading for fun for the past few days because I haven’t had any homework.  (My last class for this semester was yesterday, but I don’t start taking finals until Friday.)

I’m excited to start a new term in a couple of weeks.  I think a change of pace will help me get out of this slump.  For one thing, I’ll be less busy because I’m only taking one class rather than three.  And, for another thing, it will be something different.

Even with a change in pace in a couple of weeks, I just need to focus and make stronger commitments to do better.  I also need to check in with myself daily so if I start to get in a slump again, I can get out of it immediately rather than wallow in it for months at a time.  Here’s to putting on some climbing gear and getting out of this slump by refocusing on my goals and putting those things first that need to be. Wish me luck!

PS–Any idea where my title comes from?

I want to share a couple of stories that I think are cute.  The first happened yesterday.  The song “Alice” by Avril Lavigne plays during the credits for Alice in Wonderland.  While Corey and I were watching the credits, there was a little girl sitting behind us, maybe six or seven years old, who was singing her heart out to this song.  I thought it was so cute because she had no inhibitions; she was just enjoying herself, signing along with a song she knew.

The second happened in church today. Another little girl, maybe 10 years old, was sitting in front of us drawing.  She’s a pretty good little artist.  She drew a picture of a palm tree on a beach.  After she had finished coloring it, she turned it around and wrote a copyright with her “signature.”  It made me smile and laugh.

Some of the things kids do just make me smile and burst with joy.  Like I said, they usually have no inhibitions and they find fun and happiness in everyday things.  My brother-in-law Brett Raymond is a musician.  A couple of his albums are remixes of primary songs jazzed up a little bit.  On his first album “Primarily For Grown-Ups,” he wrote a song called “Through a Child’s Eyes.”  I love the lyrics because they illustrate what seeing through a child’s eyes is like:

These old eyes are getting tired of losing faith in this world from day to day
Down the road, getting deeper, innocence lost along the way
Then I see you laughing and I’m reminded how the world is meant to be
See those eyes filled with wonder
And, I wonder if my heart could ever see like that again
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
There’s hope, there’s peace, there’s love, and I can almost see Heaven above
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
And, I think it will be all right
Just close our eyes and see again
Imagination, play again
See through the eyes of love again
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes
Through a child’s eyes

I wish children didn’t have to grow up and become jaded and cynical because of the awful things in this world.  I wish they could keep their innocence, but I know it’s impossible.

If only we could see through a child’s eyes again, the world would be a much better place.  No wonder the Savior said, “Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4).

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I’m a pessimist through and through.  There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.   I try to be optimistic, but somewhere deep down I think that if I expect the worst, then I’ll never be disappointed.   The only problem with this logic is I tend to be a little paranoid and sad most of the time, which I know gets on people’s nerves … a lot.  Even when I have a ton of good things going for me, I tend to focus on the one thing that isn’t.

For the past couple of weeks, things have been going really well for Corey and me.  We’re doing fairly okay financially now that my financial aid has come through, I did well on three out of four of my midterm exams (I could have done well on the fourth too; I just don’t have my score yet), we’re both fairly healthy right now, I have a lot of friends, and I’m going to school.  But, do I focus on these things?  No.  Instead, I’ve been focusing on being dead tired all the time, still having to work at my job, not getting to read for pleasure, not having all my good friends or family members comment on my blog but seeing them comment on others’ blogs, wondering if I really have as many friends as I think I do, wondering if I talk too much when I’m around people, and money going really fast even when I’m not trying to spend it.

No wonder I’m tired all the time.  Anyone would be tired if they focused on all these negative things.  Do you do that too?  I think most people do that to some extent because it’s human nature.  But, I know so many people that do such a good job at not focusing on the negative, or at least that’s the way it seems to me; maybe, they’re just really good at hiding their true feelings.

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?  If you’re an optimist, how do you remain positive when things seem like they’re not going your way?  If you’re a pessimist, how do you not focus on that one thing that’s not going your way and refocus on the good in your life?

PS–I’m really grateful for all the comments I get.  This post is in no way a ploy to get more comments; I was just using it as another example of what goes through my head when I’m focusing on the bad.

Corey is quite literally a jack of all trades.  He can learn how to do something and be good at it without even trying.  It’s nice to have such a handy husband.  And, at the same time, it’s discouraging because I don’t feel like I’m really that good at anything and I feel like I’m sub-par compared to him.

I know I have talents.  I can crochet, knit, play the piano, learn foreign languages fairly easily, etc., but I don’t feel like I’m really superb at any of these things.  Yes, I do realize this could just be my self-esteem talking.  But, when I really stop to think about it, I don’t think I’m that good at any one of these things.  I can read crochet patterns like nothing else, but I can’t make up my own patterns.  I can play the piano, but I’m not a very good accompanist or I could never be a concert pianist.  I pick up on foreign languages really easily, but I’m not fluent in any of the languages I’ve been exposed to.

You may be wondering what brought on this train of thought.  I’m trying to find my passion.  I think it would help me while I’m going to school.  I’m still unsure of whether getting a Bachelor’s in English is the right step for me.  I plan to stick it out and give a few more English classes a try because I don’t want to base my decision off of one class.  However, I don’t have a lot of leeway anymore to try different things.  I’m technically a senior with 95 credits for crying out loud.  But, those 95 credits aren’t really in any one particular subject.  My Associate’s degree doesn’t even have an emphasis.

There are a lot of things I enjoy doing, but I’m not sure if I want to do them for a living.  I love figuring out why people work the way they do so psychology could be a good way to go.  But, I know I wouldn’t do well listening to other people’s problems all the time.  I’d get depressed and take their problems on as my own.  I love to read and that’s why, at this point, I’ve chosen to become an editor.  I’m only second guessing myself because I don’t have a passion to read like a few people I know.  They devour anything with words on it: cereal boxes, newspapers, Internet articles, books, etc.  Whereas, I only devour things that interest me.  I don’t do well being forced to read something I don’t want to because I just won’t do it.  Is an editor really the right way to go then?

I don’t feel like I was given enough direction when I was growing up, either by my parents or by my teachers.  I don’t feel like I was prepared for the real world.  The only thing my parents instilled in me was a passion to learn.  That’s why I’d rather go to school just to go to school.  I never really gained a good work ethic.  It’s only my perfectionism that keeps me going at work.  But, honestly, that only gets me so far.  My teachers didn’t really push me in any one direction either.  I was good at math (I had a theorem named after me in high school) and I was good at foreign languages.  So what?  None of the professions in those fields sound interesting to me.

This post is turning out to be quite the novel so I better wrap up.  I hope I can find my passion, find something I’m good at, find something I want to do or be, etc.  Hopefully, I’ve made the right decision with graduating in English.  I guess only time will tell.

Corey and I are having a difficult time right now.  Not maritally, just in other aspects of our lives.  As we’ve been going through this rough spot, we’ve been trying to put our trust in the Lord and to have faith and hope that things will work out.  We’re also trying to have patience because we know things will work out; it’s just a matter of time.

As I’ve been trying to deal with the stress and uncertainty that I’ve been feeling, I’ve been doing a lot of praying and reading.  Not only am I grateful for the little joys found during difficult times, I’m also grateful for the guidance I receive through the words of the prophets.  I know I wouldn’t be able to get through this time without them.

In the October 2008 General Conference, President Uchtdorf said:

“Hope … is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear.”

In the September 2002 First Presidency Message, President Monson said:

“Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a more serious nature. There seems to be an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.

“The counsel heard in our youth is still applicable today and should be heeded. ‘Hold your horses,’ ‘Keep your shirt on,’ ‘Slow down,’ ‘Don’t be in such a hurry,’ ‘Follow the rules,’ ‘Be careful’ are more than trite expressions. They describe sincere counsel and speak the wisdom of experience.

“The mindless and reckless speeding of a youth-filled car down a winding and hazardous canyon road can bring a sudden loss of control, the careening of the car with its precious cargo over the precipice, and the downward plunge that ofttimes brings permanent incapacity, perhaps premature death, and grieving hearts of loved ones. The glee-filled moment can turn in an instant to a lifetime of regret.

“Oh, precious youth, please give life a chance. Apply the virtue of patience.”

I don’t remember exactly when President Hinckley said this, but it’s one of my favorite quotes.  You may recognize it from the C’est La Vie post.

“It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”

These passages have been such a help to me.  When I feel like I’m being dragged down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, I try to remember these passages.  I try to exercise faith and trust in the Lord.  I know things will be okay.  It’s just a matter of pushing that fear out of the way to let faith and hope stand there instead.

Also, because it’s the anniversary of the planes hitting the twin towers in New York City, I’d like to share this video.  It has also helped me during this time of struggle and difficulty.  It’s a message of peace and finding hope.

Some time in January, I found what I thought was a gray hair.  I plucked it out because I wanted to see it more closely.  Upon further examination, I couldn’t determine if it was gray or just a really light shade of blond.  Today, the same thing happened.  Again, I can’t tell if it’s really gray.  But, the thought of going gray scares me a little bit.  I know some people go prematurely gray.  In fact, I have two friends that started going gray in their teenage years.  I just wasn’t expecting to go gray for a little while longer, that’s all.

It’s so hard for me to accept these two possible gray hairs into the fold because I don’t really think of myself as grown up or an adult. I know I’m 30 almost 31, but I have a hard time referring to myself as a woman.  I still think of myself as a young woman, a female, or just a girl.

I know growing old isn’t a bad thing and I think I’ll always love celebrating my birthday no matter how old I get.  I also don’t care if people know how old I am.  Age has never bothered me.  But, the thought of growing up, being more responsible, and growing further away from my childhood is what scares me.

Over the last few years, I’ve done a lot of growing up, thanks to my counselor.  She knows that the idea of responsibility and not having any fun scares me.  However, as I’ve been growing up, I’ve realized it’s not all bad.  I enjoy a lot of aspects of adulthood–being married, having my own place, not having to answer to my parents anymore, etc.  But, I still have a huge longing for the days of my childhood when I could play with my toys or games almost all day.  Or, when a problem arose, it was my parents’ or older siblings’ responsibility to fix.

If these two hairs are really gray, I’ll learn to accept it.  It’s just another part of life I need to experience.