I’m a pessimist through and through.  There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.   I try to be optimistic, but somewhere deep down I think that if I expect the worst, then I’ll never be disappointed.   The only problem with this logic is I tend to be a little paranoid and sad most of the time, which I know gets on people’s nerves … a lot.  Even when I have a ton of good things going for me, I tend to focus on the one thing that isn’t.

For the past couple of weeks, things have been going really well for Corey and me.  We’re doing fairly okay financially now that my financial aid has come through, I did well on three out of four of my midterm exams (I could have done well on the fourth too; I just don’t have my score yet), we’re both fairly healthy right now, I have a lot of friends, and I’m going to school.  But, do I focus on these things?  No.  Instead, I’ve been focusing on being dead tired all the time, still having to work at my job, not getting to read for pleasure, not having all my good friends or family members comment on my blog but seeing them comment on others’ blogs, wondering if I really have as many friends as I think I do, wondering if I talk too much when I’m around people, and money going really fast even when I’m not trying to spend it.

No wonder I’m tired all the time.  Anyone would be tired if they focused on all these negative things.  Do you do that too?  I think most people do that to some extent because it’s human nature.  But, I know so many people that do such a good job at not focusing on the negative, or at least that’s the way it seems to me; maybe, they’re just really good at hiding their true feelings.

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?  If you’re an optimist, how do you remain positive when things seem like they’re not going your way?  If you’re a pessimist, how do you not focus on that one thing that’s not going your way and refocus on the good in your life?

PS – I’m really grateful for all the comments I get.  This post is in no way a ploy to get more comments; I was just using it as another example of what goes through my head when I’m focusing on the bad.

A couple of my friends post random ramblings every now and then and I thought it would be fun to give it a try.

Because of my last post, some of you may be thinking that I’m not enjoying school.  That’s not it at all.  I absolutely love school.  I enjoy every minute of it, including the homework and tests.  I just hate trying to decide what I want to do with my life.  I’d rather go to school just to go to school.

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I feel like I’m not doing very well with any of my goals this year.  I just can’t seem to get my head in the game.  I keep giving myself permission to slack off (not in terms of school).  I really need to focus and get back into things because I felt so much better when I was following my goals.

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One of the things I miss the most with my crazy schedule is reading the things I want to read.  I’m doing plenty of reading and I find the essays my teacher assigns interesting.  I just miss reading for pleasure.  (I never thought I’d say that when I was younger.)

When time allows, I read a couple of chapters of Elantris by Brandon Sanderson.  I’m nearly through a third of the book.  I’m really enjoying it and I want to know what happens.  I wish I could read it more often. Oh well.

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Midterms are here and I get to take a midterm for all three of my classes on Monday, so I’ll be studying my heart out this weekend.  I’m not worried about my Doctrine and Covenants midterm because it’s not cumulative.  It’s just the second test in the class.  I think I’ll do okay on my English midterm, but I’m a little worried about the essay questions.  I hate essay questions with a passion!  I’m most worried about my Japanese spoken midterm because I don’t feel like I’ve had enough time to devote to Japanese.  I’m sure I’ll do fine because I’ve been doing great in class.  It just freaks me out a little bit.

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I handed in my research paper for my English class yesterday.  I chose to write about the frustrations of being left-handed.  It was really fun to research this topic, although I could be biased since I’m left-handed.  Still, I look forward to seeing how I do on this paper.  I think I might actually pull off an A.

Corey is quite literally a jack of all trades.  He can learn how to do something and be good at it without even trying.  It’s nice to have such a handy husband.  And, at the same time, it’s discouraging because I don’t feel like I’m really that good at anything and I feel like I’m sub-par compared to him.

I know I have talents.  I can crochet, knit, play the piano, learn foreign languages fairly easily, etc., but I don’t feel like I’m really superb at any of these things.  Yes, I do realize this could just be my self-esteem talking.  But, when I really stop to think about it, I don’t think I’m that good at any one of these things.  I can read crochet patterns like nothing else, but I can’t make up my own patterns.  I can play the piano, but I’m not a very good accompanist or I could never be a concert pianist.  I pick up on foreign languages really easily, but I’m not fluent in any of the languages I’ve been exposed to.

You may be wondering what brought on this train of thought.  Well, I’m trying to find my passion.  I think it would help me while I’m going to school.  I’m still unsure of whether getting a Bachelor’s in English is the right step for me.  I plan to stick it out and give a few more English classes a try because I don’t want to base my decision off of one class.  However, I don’t have a lot of leeway anymore to try different things.  I’m technically a senior with 95 credits for crying out loud.  But, those 95 credits aren’t really in any one particular subject.  My Associate’s degree doesn’t even have an emphasis.

There are a lot of things I enjoy doing, but I’m not sure if I want to do them for a living.  I love figuring out why people work the way they do, so psychology could be a good way to go.  But, I know I wouldn’t do well listening to other people’s problems all the time.  I’d get depressed and take their problems on as my own.  I love to read and that’s why, at this point, I’ve chosen to become an editor.  I’m only second guessing myself because I don’t have a passion to read like a few people I know.  They devour anything with words on it: cereal boxes, newspapers, Internet articles, books, etc.  Whereas, I only devour things that interest me.  I don’t do well being forced to read something I don’t want to because I just won’t do it.  Is an editor really the right way to go then?

I don’t feel like I was given enough direction when I was growing up, either by my parents or by my teachers.  I don’t feel like I was prepared for the real world.  The only thing my parents instilled in me was a passion to learn.  That’s why I’d rather go to school just to go to school.  I never really gained a good work ethic.  It’s only my perfectionism that keeps me going at work.  But, honestly, that only gets me so far.  My teachers didn’t really push me in any one direction either.  I was good at math (I had a theorem named after me in high school) and I was good at foreign languages.  So what, though?  None of the professions in those fields sound interesting to me.

This post is turning out to be quite the novel, so I better wrap up.  I hope I can find my passion, find something I’m good at, find something I want to do or be, etc.  Hopefully, I’ve made the right decision with graduating in English.  I guess only time will tell.

I know the best combination when reading a novel is to have good prose and a good story.  However, in many cases, novels don’t always have both.  Most often if a novel has good prose, it’s difficult to understand, takes more time to read, and is hard to get into (e.g. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, Mansfield Park by Jane Austen).  Whereas, a novel with a good story, is usually easy to understand, a “fast read,” very easy to get into, and in many instances has sub-standard writing.  (I don’t think I need to name names. )  Which do you prefer to read?

Personally, it all comes down to why I’m reading a particular novel.  Am I reading it to gain knowledge, increase my vocabulary, or to become well-read?  Or, am I reading it for entertainment, to escape the mundane, etc.?  For an everyday read, I would choose a good story over good prose.  Although I find eloquently written works to be refreshing from poorly written ones, I just don’t seem to enjoy them as much because it takes more effort to read them.  Let’s face it; I’m lazy and I want things to be easy. But, on the other hand, I have enjoyed reading a few “classics” in the last couple of years.  I’ve enjoyed broadening my horizons and becoming well-read.  I think the key for me is to find a good balance, so that reading is more than just entertainment all the time.

I posted this on the forum I share with my friends. But, I wanted a broader range of opinion on my musings, so I decided to blog about it too.

I know some of you aren’t as gung ho about Twilight anymore (or never were for that matter).  I understand completely because I’m not nearly as obsessed with it as I was anymore either.  I still have a soft spot for the saga, though, because it ignited my love for reading and gave me amazing opportunities–most importantly the friendships I’ve made and still have two and a half years later.

I do still enjoy the anticipation of the movies, even if/when they don’t meet my expectations. And, I would also love to spend time with Stephenie Meyer on a more personal level if that opportunity ever became available.  But, the only reason I think about Twilight now (if I even do) is because someone (or something) mentions it in passing (or when reading another book).  And, the only reason I’m thinking so much about it now is because I’m listening to Twilight on audiobook at work right now.

I don’t feel a huge drive to read the books anymore, but that’s mostly because I have so many others I want to read.  However, I’ve noticed that when I still take the time to read (or listen to) Twilight, I still get that giddy feeling I felt when I read it for the first time.  That feeling isn’t nearly as strong as it was the first time because the mystery is gone now, but for some reason this story speaks to me.

I still find myself comparing other books to Twilight when I read them and I know it must get old for some people.  I don’t compare the stories because they’re all so individual and I don’t always compare writing (sometimes it’s inevitable, though), but I do compare feelings.  I don’t mean to, but for some reason if two characters have the same chemistry, angst, tension, etc. that Bella and Edward (or even Bella and Jacob) had, then I seem to be drawn to them much more.  There’s just something about that type of chemistry that makes a good story in my opinion.  (Some of the books I’ve recently read with those same feelings are The Dark Divine by Bree Despain, Graceling and Fire by Kristin Cashore, The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, The Mortal Instruments trilogy by Cassandra Clare, and Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater.)

Anyway, I have an onslaught of questions I’d like to ask you because I want to see how different or the same we are.  I know there are a lot, but I would appreciate it if you took the time to answer them.

1. Do you ever do the same thing, meaning compare books to Twilight or another series that has meant a lot to you?
2. Are there any books that seem to just speak to you?
3. Why do you enjoy reading as much as you do?  Or, what do you hope to get out of reading?

For those that are/were Twilight fans:

1. How do you feel about Twilight now that all the hype (other than the movies) has died down?
2. For those of you that had a hard time with Breaking Dawn, did it change your opinion of the entire saga so you can’t enjoy it as much as you did?  Or, do you just ignore Breaking Dawn and/or enjoy it for what it is?
3. Did the whole Midnight Sun fiasco (whether you view it as a black mark against the fans or a black mark against Stephenie Meyer) change the way you feel about the saga?
4. Do you hope Stephenie Meyer continues to write?
5. Do you just wish Twilight would die, so you never have to hear about it again?

PS – I just realized that it may sound like I won’t like a book if it’s not like Twilight.  That’s not the case at all.  I just meant that if the feelings between characters are similar, then I’m more drawn to that kind of story.  And, the only reason I compare most things to Twilight is because it was the first time I experienced those types of feelings while reading a book.

Happy birthday, Brandon!

Technically, there are still 14 hours until 2009 ends in my neck of the woods.  However, I wanted to reflect on last year’s resolutions so I can do any last-minute penance while there’s still time. Just kidding.

In 2009, I wanted to:

• Continue to improve my relationship with Corey.
• Read The Book of Mormon.
• Go back to school.
• Read at least 30 books.
• Lose 100 pounds.

I actually did really well with my resolutions this year.  I’m quite proud of myself really.  I only missed one of my goals, but I started the ball rolling to make it a reality for 2010.

I feel like my relationship with Corey has definitely improved.  We’re communicating better and I think we’re both doing better at not being so co-dependent or selfish.  I know our relationship can continue to improve, but I think that’s going to be a lifelong project and accomplishment.

I started reading The Book of Mormon at the end of March and I finished it a week before Thanksgiving.  I’m really glad I accomplished this goal since I just gave up in 2008.  I think being so faithful in my reading helped me a lot this year.

I didn’t make it back to school in 2009, but I’m returning in less than a week!  I’m really excited and nervous at the same time.  I have a lot of irrational worries plaguing me right now.  I’m pretty sure once I start school on Monday, I’ll be okay … hopefully.  What are my irrational worries?  That’s a story for another post, maybe in a couple of days.

During the months of January, February, and March, I read three books each month.  In April, I only read two, but I made up for that by reading five in May.  In June and July, I only read one book each month.  But, I read another three in August.  I went back down to two for September and only one for October.  I jumped up to four books in November and read my typical three this month.  So, how many books does that mean I read?  (I really want to do a Clue reference here, but my math is much longer than the math in Clue. Sad. ) Anyway, I read 31 books! Not only did I meet my goal, I exceeded it!  I’m very proud of myself. Woo hoo! I also kept track of the number of pages I read.  My total page count is 11,995. That’s an average of almost 400 pages per book.

I didn’t lose 100 lbs this year, but I realize now that was unrealistic.  I did lose 33.4 lbs, though.  (I’m still fluctuating between 30 and 35 lbs.)  I know this is only a third of my original goal, but I feel like I’ve done an awesome job!  Losing weight is hard!

As for 2010, I have similar goals from 2009 that I want to accomplish.  I want to:

• Continue to improve my relationship with Corey.
• Read The New Testament.
• Go back to school.
• Read at least 35 books.
• Lose another 30 pounds.
• Go to church regularly (every week).

Hopefully, I’ll be as successful in the coming year as I was this year.

Anyway, I hope you have a great holiday and I wish you great success in the new year!  Have fun and stay safe tonight!

Happy birthday, Parker!

I thought it would be appropriate to post my final thankful jar doings today.  I really enjoyed doing this and I feel like Thanksgiving is a little more meaningful this year because of this and the opportunity to post the things I’m thankful for on Facebook.

There are actually two scroll left if my jar because I made 28.  I plan on still doing them, but I’m going to do them next week because I’m not at home this weekend.  Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and are truly grateful for the things in your life!

I’m Thankful for the Kitchen

On Sunday, I pulled out the scroll, “I’m thankful for the kitchen!  Bake something fun.”  Because of my weight loss goals, I haven’t baked for almost a year.  Baked goods and weight loss don’t usually go together. However, being this time of year, I decided to make some pumpkiny goodness.  I made pumpkin bread and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  Yum! They’re so good and I’ve realized I can eat baked goods just as long as I don’t go overboard and, of course, that’s the key and the hardest part.

I’m Thankful for Food

On Monday, I pulled out the scroll, “I’m thankful for food!  Go to the store and pick something out that you’ve never eaten before.”  I was going to go to the store to pick something out, but my work is doing a food drive for the Utah Food Bank and I thought that donating food would be more appropriate.

I’m Thankful for Prayer

On Tuesday, I pulled out the scroll, “I’m thankful for prayer!  Say a prayer using the words, ‘I thank Thee for …,’ and don’t ask for anything.”  I really enjoyed saying that prayer, but it was really hard not to ask for anything.  It’s amazing how easily asking for things comes to you.  I had to push those thoughts away more than once.

I’m Thankful for my Heavenly Father

Yesterday, I pulled out two scrolls, one for yesterday and one for today.  Yesterday’s scroll said, “I’m thankful for my Heavenly Father!  Say a prayer expressing your gratitude for Him.”  I kind of felt like I was repeating Tuesday’s item, but it was okay.  I’m glad I have the opportunity to express my gratitude for my Heavenly Father.  He has done and still does so much for me.  He’s always so patient with my shortcomings and helps me feel loved and comforted whenever I need it.

I’m Thankful for the Seasons

Today’s scroll says, “I’m thankful for the seasons!  Go on a walk and just enjoy being outside.”  I actually really do enjoy the seasons.  I don’t always feel like we get all four seasons in Utah.  It seems that Summer and Winter dominate the year, but I do enjoy those couple of weeks of Spring and Fall.  Spring and Fall are my favorite seasons because of the moderate temperatures.  I also love the budding of life–flowers peeking through the ground and baby animals in the pastures–during Spring and I love the colors in the Fall.