
My birthday is in exactly two weeks. I’ll be 34. Normally, I love my birthday. I try every year, without success, to convince my husband to make April a birthday month rather than just a one-day thing. That’s how much I love my birthday!
This year, however, something has changed. Corey asked me what I wanted for my birthday at the end of March. I told him I didn’t know and I’d get back to him. Here it is April 5 and I still have no answer. This is usually unheard of. I usually have very specific wants for my birthday (and Christmas).
I think part of the problem lies with my weight-loss rewards. It took every effort I could muster just to come up with six affordable rewards to help motivate me with my weight loss that I feel like I can’t possibly come up with anything else.
Do I want books? Yes, but my second reward is spending money on books. Do I want books for my birthday and my second reward? I don’t know. Do I want any music? Yes, I love music and I’d love an iTunes gift card, but is that what I really want for my birthday? I don’t know. Or, do I want to be a grown up and just enjoy spending the weekend (since I have to work on my birthday) with Corey and having him do nice things for me? That would be nice, but my childish side says I need a present too.
I guess what it comes down to is that my birthday is extra special to me and I want an extra special present. By extra special, I don’t mean expensive. I mean something that I usually don’t get or buy myself throughout the year. A new hairdo won’t cut it because I get my hair done every six weeks. A book won’t cut it because I get books fairly often, unless it’s something special like my Christmas present–British editions of Harry Potter. Music won’t cut it either because I can download a song here or there from iTunes all the time.
Am I being selfish or childish by not letting these “ordinary” things satisfy me? Or, is this my depression talking and nothing will make me happy right now? Or, is it a little of both or something else entirely? I just don’t know. All I know is that I really don’t know what I want for my birthday and it’s kind of unsettling because it’s so different from the usual me.






