My grandma’s funeral was this weekend.  Unfortunately, I didn’t go.  I was going to, but there was some family drama.  I’ve only decided to post this on my blog because I figure my blog is basically an online journal, I don’t vent very often because I like to focus on the positive, but I’ve decided that my blog readers probably want to know me for better or for worse.

Anyway, this is going to be a long post and I’m probably going to make a few members of my family pretty mad.  It’s not my intent to make anyone mad, but I know it’s going to happen.  My intent is simply to help my family understand where I’m coming from.  Of course, this is all my perception of how the events went down and because it’s my perception, the feelings I’ve felt for the last 16 years are very real and painful.  I don’t even know where to begin. But, I guess I need to start from the beginning….

When I was 14, my brother-in-law molested me. It was a one-time deal other than a few other minor incidents, but it messed up my psyche.  It took me three months to tell my mom what had happened because my sister asked me not to tell anyone and being only 14, I didn’t want to cause any problems. The only reason I ended up saying anything was because a few of my nieces were going to sleep over at my sister’s house. I couldn’t let them do that, knowing the danger they were in.  I told my mom what had happened.

Of course there was a big hullabaloo. Unfortunately, it ended up being more about him than me. Anyway, long story short, the incident ended up getting brushed under the rug and it was as if nothing ever happened. (To this day, my sister’s still married to him.)  If it was a stranger who had molested me, there would’ve been no question as to how to proceed or what to do about the incident.  Unfortunately, most of my family put more stock in the title of brother-in-law, sister’s husband, son-in-law, or daughter’s husband instead of the title of child molester or pedophile.

Because of this incident, I’ve had some problems with intimacy. I’ve been to counseling over the years and until about three years ago, none of the counselors I’d seen really helped.  Because of the counselor I’m seeing now, things are much better than they were. I still have a long way to go, but I actually feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel now.

For the past two years, with guidance from my counselor, I’ve asked my brother-in-law to stay away from family functions because I’m finally dealing with the pain he caused me and I don’t want to see him. My sister has made it very difficult because she feels like she’s had to miss out on these family functions too. Anyway, I told her in the beginning that she and the kids were welcome to be around me, but her husband wasn’t. I know she feels caught in the middle, but chose to stay away from the family functions. I never had a choice when her husband molested me and feel that he needs to respect my need to heal from the hurt and pain he has caused me.

My mom has also had a really hard time with this because she feels like she’s caught in the middle of two daughters. Honestly, I can understand the difficult situation she’s in. I just wish she’d realize it wasn’t me who put her in it. It was my brother-in-law for doing what he did. She’s also said that she doesn’t understand why I’ve had such a hard time dealing with the abuse because she was molested when she was younger and is fine with it. I’ve told her that:

1. She never told her mom and had the incident pushed under the rug;
2. She never had her abuser live with her at one point (my sister and brother-in-law lived with my family about two years after the incident);
3. And, she hasn’t had to see her abuser over and over again because he was married to her sibling, and basically been made to feel like it was okay because he was her sister’s husband.

For a while, my mom understands, but then it always comes back to me and that I’m causing our family drama and issues when it shouldn’t because it was so long ago.

Anyway, back to my grandma’s funeral. I called my sister last night to remind her that I’m not ready to see my brother-in-law yet, so he shouldn’t come to the funeral. She was really angry and said I was keeping her away from her own grandmother’s funeral. I told her she was welcome to come, but she said she didn’t want to come alone and that she wasn’t doing “this” anymore.  She asked me, “do you know how many family things I’ve missed in the last two years?”  I told her it wasn’t my fault that she had chosen not to come. At that point, she hung up on me.

Corey was livid and decided to call my mom to let her know what happened. My mom was on the cell phone with my sister.  She was angry because I called my sister “at the last minute” and told her my brother-in-law couldn’t go to the funeral. I shouldn’t even have to call her. My sister should call me for each event and ask me whether it’s okay for him to come.  Anyway, one thing lead to another and Corey and my parents ended up in a screaming match.  Corey basically told my parents that they haven’t stepped up to the plate and they need to finally do the right thing after all these years. In fact, at one point, Corey dropped the f-bomb and my parents were so offended that he’d use that language, yet they seem to have no problem accepting my brother-in-law back into the fold when he’s basically a pedophile. (He may have not done anything since then, which I find hard to believe because of other incidents, but because he has had no counseling of any sort, he can’t have moved passed something like this. It’s impossible.)

I called my parents this morning to talk to them, after I’d gone to my counseling appointment and explained everything that happened last night.  (My counselor advised me to talk to them, while realizing that they’d have a hard time letting go of my brother-in-law.)  I told them how I felt and they listened (a little).  Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to help me feel like they were going to support me in the way I needed to be supported.  As I’m working through this, I’ve decided I’m going to distance myself a bit, which is extremely difficult for me because I’ve always had a strong connection with my parents.

Luckily, my nieces and a couple of my siblings support me.  They realize I need to deal with my feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anguish.  They also realize that even when I’ve learned to forgive my brother-in-law, I will probably not trust him and I still may not want to be around him.  Thankfully, with Corey, my nieces, a couple of my siblings, and my good friends, I don’t feel completely alone.